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Back In The Red, part 1 - Script v1.0
{MATRIX CITY}
{RED DWARF Clearing House}
Raz, Datalink-Karma, 1996-99

Back in the Red, part 1
@ 17Mar99
 Well, it hardly seems like two years, does it? Let's start with Back In The Red, part 1.
This is version 1.0 of the script, and is complete, barring corrections. Look out for the newly-added Cast Reference, and for scene timestamps, a world first for Red Dwarf scripts. Enjoy!
 

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor, no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at the usual addy. Thanks.]


Raz, DTLK, 1996-99
17Mar99    

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                           RED DWARF - SERIES 8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                    EPISODE 1 -- BACK IN THE RED, part 1
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                               Version 1.0
                           18-24 February, 1999
                       Last updated: 17 March, 1999
                      Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk
                      http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk
 

[-- 1 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:00--]

[Inside a vast, man-made structure]
 

[-- 2 - Int. Small, cell-like room ----------------------------------0:10--]

[LISTER, RIMMER present]

[LISTER slouches on the top bunk of a vertically arranged set of two,
 reading an old copy of 'Starstruck' magazine. He spots something of note
 and begins reading aloud:]

LISTER
  Remember Argyle Somerfield, an old movie star? Eighty-three, according to
this, an' he's just had a baby with his nurse!

[RIMMER lays on the bunk below, concentrating on a book and displaying
 little interest in anything else]

LISTER
  '"It was love at first sight", she cooed, "I've always liked older men."'
  God, if she ever ran into Tutankhamen he wouldn't stand a chance! She'd
have his bandages off before you can say "silicon implants".
  There's some pictures of them here with the new-born.

[LISTER flips onto his stomach, leaning over the edge of his bunk to see
 RIMMER, and dangling the magazine by RIMMER's head. He points at the
 pages]

LISTER
  There's Argyle, and there's the baby.

[When RIMMER doesn't look, LISTER waggles the magazine in his face, then,
 seeing the pictures from the new angle, realises he's made a mistake]

LISTER
  No no no no, *there's* Argyle, and *there's* the baby! I was thrown for a
minute by the bib and the bonnet. Thought that was the baby at first!

[Without a word or a glance, RIMMER gets off his bunk and seats himself at
 the table a short distance away. There's an air of tension emanating from
 him as he flexes his arms sharply upon sitting, and resumes reading
 fixedly. LISTER eyes him over his magazine]

LISTER
  An eighty-three year old dad! How's that gonna work? I bet *he's* not
gonna get up in the middle of the night to give the baby its feed. Probably
pretend to be dead!

LISTER
  "Darling, can you give the baby his bottle tonight?"

[LISTER lets his head fall onto his pillow and stares rigidly ahead for a
 few seconds]

LISTER
  It's not gonna work, is it?

[Leaving his magazine behind, LISTER jumps down from the bunk to sit
 opposite RIMMER at the table while he continues to talk]

LISTER
  The only advantage, as far as I can see, is the wife can change both their
nappies at the same time.

[Grinning and laughing at his own joke, LISTER waits for a reaction from
 RIMMER, but none is forthcoming. He peers into RIMMER's face]

LISTER
  Are you still not talking to me? It's unbelievably childish, y' know.

[He waves a hand in front of RIMMER's face, who keeps up the, by now obvious,
 pretence of reading]

LISTER
  I've a good mind to fill your shoes with runny porridge again. Teach you
a lesson about maturity...

LISTER
  All right, I'll tell you what: I bet I can make you say something in the
next... minute. Twenty big ones. Shake on it...

[LISTER extends his right hand, which falls over RIMMER's book. Without a
 word, or a glance in LISTER's direction, RIMMER moves the hand out of his
 way]

LISTER
  All right, if I'm on, say nothing.

[He grins at RIMMER, knowing he can't lose this one, at least]

LISTER
  I'm on! Okay. I'm gonna say something, all right, an' you're gonna totally
lose it. Are you ready? Y' ready?

[Again he waves his head in front of RIMMER, who ignores him]

LISTER
  All right. Several years ago, when money was not abundant, and I needed
- I mean *medically needed* - a pint, I took some money from your purse.

[LISTER mimes, with actions and sound effects, the effort of forcing open
 a granite sarcophagus]

LISTER
  Oh God, it was horrible going in there. 'The wallet that time forgot'.
Not that there was any point; the barman on B-deck wouldn't serve me. He
said doubloons weren't legal tender any more. Said you should have handed
them in after the Spanish Armada!

[LISTER stares at RIMMER after concluding his tale. When it's plain no
 reaction is forthcoming, he turns away in disappointment]

LISTER
  Thought that'd get you going. You hate digs about your stinginess.
Usually makes you so agitated that you've gotta go and make a cup of tea
with a brand new teabag.

[With this snipe, LISTER again stares hard at RIMMER. This time, however,
 he sees he may be getting somewhere - RIMMER's mouth is tight, and he
 seems to be drawing deeper breaths. LISTER assumes an air of defeat]

LISTER
 Well, still, plenty of time to go.

[LISTER chortles suddenly, as if just recalling something funny]

LISTER
  Remember Yvonne McGruder?
  You really liked her, didn't you?

[RIMMER involuntarily twitches an eyebrow, and shifts around on his chair]

LISTER
         I used to go out with her, y'know.
Before you did. You didn't know that, did you? Broke up in the end. Really
hurt me. Still got the scars today. They never heal, carpet burns, do they?

[Eyes still locked, unmoving, to the pages of his book, the same can't be
 said for the rest of RIMMER's face. Muscles are spasming and his whole
 body shakes with a gentle tremor. LISTER grins mischievously and goes in
 for the kill, leaning forward and loading his words with emphasis]

LISTER
  *Both cheeks, man*! She nearly wore them down to the *bone*!

[LISTER pushes himself back from the table and rocks back and forth on his
 chair, making hideously lewd squeaking noises as he does so. RIMMER,
 his face purple, succumbs to psychology and perfectly simulates the
 release of a reasonable quantity of high-explosive incendiaries]

RIMMER
  *WILL YOU SHUT UP!*

LISTER
  What did I tell you? Twenty big ones!

[Overjoyed with his victory, LISTER chortles his way back to his bunk]

RIMMER
  I've been listening to you whittling on now for what seems like two ice
ages! My mind is so numb and brain-dead I feel like I've just attended a
three-day seminar entitled "The Future of Plumbing". Have you any idea how
irritating you've just been? You're a master! There are things you could
teach to tropical skin diseases!

LISTER
  Well, *talk* to me then.

RIMMER
  No.

LISTER
  Look, I'm sorry, okay? How many times do you want me to say it? I - am -
sorry!

RIMMER
  No - you're - not!

LISTER
  It was an accident!

RIMMER
  An accident? You poured a hole tube of it over me, you disgusting,
rotting, fetid piece of congealed monkey-vomit.

LISTER
  Oh, at last you're talking to me. I knew we'd make it up.

[Lying back on his bunk in satisfaction, LISTER resumes reading the story
 in his magazine]

LISTER
  *Eighty-three*!
 

[-- 3 - Interlude ----------------------------------------------Raz--4:49--]

  "3 DAYS EARLIER"
 

[-- 4 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------4:51--]

[Starbug arcs through space towards a familiar, red spaceship]
 

[-- 5 - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------4:56--]

[CAT present, at his station at the helm, others presumed out-of-shot]

[Suddenly, CAT blinks in disbelief and stares out of the cockpit bubble.
 Before him, space has turned red.  A vast metal redness that stretches up,
 down, left, and right - miles in any direction.]

[-- 6 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------4:58--]

CAT [VO]
  This thing's even bigger than I remember...

[CAT pilots Starbug into the docking tunnel.  Even taking his natural flying
 skills into account, there's no danger whatsoever that Starbug may scrape
 the sides of the tunnel as it has done so many times in the past - there is
 a curiously large amount of empty space between the transport craft and
 the tunnel walls.
 Starbug emerges into the docking bay, and suddenly, something very
 important becomes apparent.  There is a Starbug already docked... a very
 *large* Starbug in a very *large* docking bay.  Starbug's engines suddenly
 seem to buzz, insect-like, in the vastness of the docking bay, and CAT
 deftly pilots his 'Bug under the bulbous body of the other craft and
 through it's pillar-like legs]

CAT [VO]
  Errr, guyyys... we've got a problem..!
 

[-- 7 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------5:12--]

[Starbug flies through the gigantic hatchway of an enormous corridor inside
 the ship, but as it does so, the whole structure quite clearly contracts a
 short distance, first along the horizontal, and then the vertical]
 

[-- 8 - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------5:14--]

[CAT, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]

[Enter LISTER]

LISTER
  Hey guys! Look at my body!

[LISTER has his shirt unbuttoned, proudly displaying a chest dotted with
 clumps of hair, but otherwise unblemished]

CAT
  There's an invitation that will *not* cause a stampede.

LISTER
  No! It's back to normal.

[LISTER takes his seat]

KRYTEN
  No time for that now, sir. We're flying down a corridor on Red Dwarf and
Starbug appears to be expanding.
 

[-- 9 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------5:26--]

[Starbug continues to fly through contracting corridors, accompanied by
 nerve-grating metallic shrieks]
 

[-- 10 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------5:29--]

[CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]

KOCHANSKI
  It's not Starbug that's expanding, it's Red Dwarf that's shrinking!

LISTER
  It must be something to do with the nanobot's molecular process. Just
like my body!
 

[-- 11 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------5:36--]

[As Starbug passes a grating set into a wall, the panel at least twenty
 times the height and width of the transport craft, it suddenly veers off
 its flightpath, heading for the grating]
 

[-- 12 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------5:38--]

[CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]

CAT
  We're being sucked into a vent!
 

[-- 13 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------5:39--]

CAT [VO]
        Can't fight it!

[The little ship passes clean through the grate, miraculously surviving the
 enormous blades of the huge fan that caught the Dwarfers in its backdraft.
 Starbug shoots into the ventways at high speed]
 

[-- 14 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------5:44--]

[CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]

[The craft has begun shaking significantly, presumably buffeting resulting
 from their high speed in the increasing confined vent shaft]

KOCHANSKI
  Air vent walls closing in.

KRYTEN
  We must take action. Be bold, positive, decisive. Suggest we move from
blue alert to red alert, sir.

CAT
  Forget red! Let's go all the way up to brown alert!

KRYTEN
  But there's no such thing as brown alert, sir.

CAT
  You won't be saying that in a minute. And don't say I didn't alert you!

[Enter HOLLY]

HOLLY
  All right, dudes. Anyone fancy a game of charades using just your noses,
or is this a bad time?

LISTER
  Holly, man, we're about to get crushed to death!

HOLLY
  So that's a 'no', then, is it?

KRYTEN
  Once the nano's rebuilt the ship, I thought things were going to get back
to normal!

KOCHANSKI
  We don't know where we are, what to do, and haven't got a clue what's
happening. Things *are* back to normal!

HOLLY
  You don't even fancy a bit of a quick one? Science-fiction film, name of
the ship, one word:
  The Nostrilomo! Spent a week thinking that one up! Good, innit?

KRYTEN
  Computing time to impact... calculations coming through - here they come.

LISTER
  How long have we got?

KRYTEN
  About the time it takes to read a 'Stop' sign, sir.

CAT
  That's okay then. I don't always get through those in one sitting!

KOCHANSKI
  What are our chances of getting out of here?

KRYTEN
  About the same odds as discovering Mister Lister saddle-stitching the
hem of a pair of linen maternity slacks.

LISTER
  I must admit, it's been a while since I did that.
  Can't you get this crate to go faster? It's gonna be like getting crushed
to death under a gigantic trouser press!

CAT
  Freshly laundered and wrinkle-free! I always prayed I'd go out like
that!

KOCHANSKI
  There may be a way through this if we take a detour. Past
Epsilon 14 and take a right at the hydro unit. We'll save about two
minutes!

KRYTEN
  What do you say, sir? I don't understand a woman who's hurtling towards
thirty and still has a teddy bear called 'Booboo', but, when it comes to
navigation, there's none finer!

LISTER
  What's your view, Holl?

[LISTER peers at the screen, set into the control panel, that display's
 HOLLY's image]

HOLLY
  Straight up your nose when you lean in like that.

LISTER
  Epsilon 14.
 

[-- 15 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------7:45--]

[Starbug thunders along the air vents]
 

[-- 16 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------7:48--]

[CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]

KRYTEN
  There's - there's - there's some kind of heartbeat up ahead, and it's
beating at an incredible rate!

[KOCHANSKI leaves her seat and stands between LISTER and the CAT to see
 further up ahead]

CAT
  You mean there's a heart out there with no body? No wonder it's beating
so fast.
 

[-- 17 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------7:58--]

[As Starbug hurtles along the vent, the shape of a large rat slowly resolves
 out of the darkness. In rears up and squeals with fright as CAT deftly
 swings Starbug around it]
 

[-- 18 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------8:00--]

[CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]

LISTER
  Heyyy!

[CAT laughs happily and shoots glances around the cockpit for approval]
 

[-- 19 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------8:04--]

[A second rat slides out of the dark up ahead, facing away from the rapidly
 approaching Dwarfers and sniffing at the ground, unawares. With its pilots
 distracted the 'Bug sails into and jams in the rear-end of the rat, which
 squeals as it is lifted off its paws with the inertia, then carried down
 the vent with the force of Starbug's engines]
 

[-- 20 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------8:08--]

[The cockpit is in darkness, and the quick thudding of a heartbeat can be
 heard. Grimaces paint the faces of all four]
 

[-- 21 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------8:17--]

[Sure enough, the put-upon rat, paws and tail flailing helplessly, is
 currently seeing a lot more of its environment than it probably ever
 imagined it would; certainly at a much higher speed]
 

[-- 22 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------8:23--]

HOLLY
  I hope we don't get stopped by the cops. They don't like it when you're
rat-arsed...

[Tying in throttle controls to the control yokes, LISTER and CAT yank the
 sticks back hard, the loss of forward thrust causing KOCHANSKI to stumble
 forward momentarily and releasing the ship from the rat]
 

[-- 23 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------8:31--]

[Coming into view from around a curve in the vent shaft, we see first the
 rat as it sails gracefully, end over end, out of sight and impacts a wall
 with a splat. Starbug follows close behind, taking the curve smoothly
 

[-- 24 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------8:36--]

[As Red Dwarf continues to shrink around their ship, the end of the vent
 shaft approaches. The Dwarfers brace for an impact]
 

[-- 25 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------8:38--]

[Starbug crashes through the air vent cover, now comparatively small enough
 to be demolished completely as the ship squeezes narrowly through]
 

[-- 26 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------8:39--]

[The crew lurch from the impact and sparks flash from electrical feedbacks
 in the consoles]
 

[-- 27 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------8:45--]

[By now, Red Dwarf has shrunk enough that Starbug, passing through a
 hatchway, jams its rear module against the walls and rips itself free]
 

[-- 28 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------8:46--]

[CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]

[The much-abused Starbug is bearing up well. It shakes violently is the
 Dwarfers scrape along the corridor, fountains of sparks and minor
 explosions add to the general din]

CAT
  According to the desk we've lost all engines!
        Hey -

[CAT grabs LISTER's arm urgently]

CAT
  Didn't I read somewhere that can seriously affect your ability to fly?
 

[-- 29 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------8:56--]

[Starbug's cockpit bubble scrapes through another hatchway that opens into a
 large expansive area, but unfortunately the ship's midsection doesn't make
 it. Jamming against the hatchway, the module is torn off, leaving Starbug's
 cockpit bubble skating unsteadily across the metal floor of the bay,
 trailing sparks]
 

[-- 30 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------9:00--]

[CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]

[Multiple fires have broken out amongst the battered electronic components,
 cables hang from overhead and crackles and pops continue to punctuate the
 air]

KRYTEN
  Now we've lost the mid-section and the kitchen! I'm sorry everyone, but
we may have to have sandwiches for lunch!

[Emergency fire extinguishers cough into life]
 

[-- 31-39 - Model/CGI / live action shot sequence -------------------9:10--]

[The remaining piece of Starbug smashes through a stack of supply crates and
 bounces, out of control, across the floor of the bay before crashing to an
 unsteady halt in a recessed platform under a loading crane.
 Dazed and disoriented, the crew stumble out of the burning cockpit, KRYTEN
 holding CAT on his feet, and sprint away from the tortured cockpit bubble
 as fast as possible.
 It proves to be not a minute too soon, as a huge explosion blasts them off
 their feet and sends half of the cockpit shell flying over their heads to
 explode against the far wall of the bay]
 

[-- 40 - Int. Red Dwarf landing bay ---------------------------------9:48--]

[The Dwarfers tentatively raise their heads from where they lie, prone, on
 the deck. Three people in yellow Hazardous Environment suits approach the
 survivors - two of them un-mask]
 
SELBY
  Dave?

LISTER
  Selby! Chen!

[LISTER stands up slowly, unbelieving]

LISTER
         Is it really you?

CHEN
  Is it really us? Hang on, I'll check.
  Yeah, I think it's us.

LISTER
  Guys! This is brilliant!

[As the others slowly convince themselves they still live and slowly stand,
 LISTER races forward and wraps his arms around his two old friends. They
 for their part, have somewhat unreadable expressions - part worry, part
 suspicion, part incomprehension]

LISTER
         I can't believe it!

KRYTEN
  You know these people, sir?

[LISTER stands between SELBY and CHEN, and arm draped around the shoulders
 of each]

LISTER
  Know them? When they've been drunk and unconscious I've taken
their clothes off and painted parts of them green! Course I know them! This
is the Red Dwarf crew, Krytie!

CAT
  How?

KOCHANSKI
  The nano's must have resurrected *them* along with the ship.

LISTER
  This is Chen -

[LISTER plants a kiss on CHEN's cheek]

  - he works in the kitchen and he's always drunk, and this is Selby -

[SELBY wisely pulls his head away as much as possible and shoots
 LISTER a warning look]

LISTER
         - and he's always drunk too! Where's Peterson?

CHEN
  He couldn't make it. He's drunk!

KRYTEN
  The crew are all alive, sir! This is great news! Wonderful, marvelous,
incredible news! All that extra ironing! Bliss!

[Two more people, officers, arrive - one clamps a hand around LISTER's
 collar and pushes him roughly away from his friends before stepping into
 view - the scowling owner of the hand is CAPTAIN HOLLISTER]

HOLLISTER
  Mister Thornton, read them their rights.

[The second newcomer, a Military Police officer, steps up into LISTER's
 face]

THORNTON
  David Lister, you are formally charged with stealing and crashing a
Starbug. You are also charged with having no pilot's license, and smuggling
two stowaways on board, along with Navigation Officer Kristine Kochanski.
Anything you say now, or do not say now, may be used at a board of
enquiry against you. Do you require any form of aid?

LISTER
  Yeah, lemonade in a really large scotch.

[THORNTON grabs LISTER by the shoulders and spins around, giving him a
 shove forward]
 

[-- 41 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------11:15--]

[Enter LISTER, THORNTON, MP, marching double-time]

[The corridors through which the threesome march seem tantalisingly
 familiar, with an 'eggbox' look to them, washed with grey paint]

LISTER, THORNTON
  Left - right - left - right - left - right!

LISTER
  Try and relax! You're gonna burst a blood vessel!

THORNTON
  Shut up, you maggot! Do you understand? *Do you understand*!?

LISTER
  Yes!

THORNTON
  *"Yes -" what*!?

LISTER
  "Yes, Mister... Shouty"..?

THORNTON
  "YES - SIR"!
 

[-- 42 - Int. Sleeping Quarters -------------------------------Raz--11:30--]

[Enter LISTER, THORNTON, MP]

[It's the sleeping quarters, viewers, and exactly as we know them! Well,
 almost. LISTER's old acoustic guitar is propped on one of two blue chairs
 under the elongated-hexagonal porthole, partially covering one of RIMMER's
 two swimming certificates. A silver table and chair occupy the centre of
 the quarters, and LISTER's fish tank rests on a second table opposite the
 entry hatch]

THORNTON
  Left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right
- left - right - Halt!
  Lift arm.

[LISTER rolls back the sleeve of his left arm and holds it out towards
 THORNTON, who slips a bulky metal bracelet around LISTER's wrist. As the
 clamps fasten, a red LED on one side of the security bracelet begins to
 flash]

THORNTON
  At ease.

[Exit MP, THORNTON]

[LISTER waits, breathing hard from his recent exhertions, until the MPs
 disappear from view before activating his HOLLY watch and transferring
 the computer's image to the room's viewscreen]

[Enter HOLLY]

HOLLY
  All right, dude.

LISTER
  They don't know about you yet, Holl. It might be an idea to keep it that
way.

[LISTER picks up a towel and begins drying off his face]

LISTER
 I need some info. If the board of enquiry find us guilty tomorrow, what
happens then?

HOLLY
  Well, they'll probably have a pot of tea, a bit of a chat, and go
home, I suppose.

LISTER
  What happens to us, you divvy, not them!

HOLLY
  Well, if you lose, you'll probably get a couple of years in the brig.

LISTER
  What brig?

HOLLY
  The brig on floor 13.

LISTER
  There isn't a floor 13!

HOLLY
  Yeah, there is. It was classified. A need-to-know only basis.

LISTER
  So who knew?

HOLLY
  Well, all the officers, and anyone who's ever seen the Twilight Zone.

LISTER
  So what's it like, this brig?

HOLLY
  Well if I was an estate agent, I'd probably describe it as an old-style
penal establishment, abundant wildlife, two-hundred bedrooms, all with
ensuite buckets.

LISTER
  Smeggin' hell.

HOLLY
  They call it The Tank. There was an inmate population of four-hundred, all
being transported to Adelphi 12. Presumably, they've all been resurrected
too.

LISTER
  What are they like? No don't tell me, I already know. They're all
deranged, hairy no-lobes with breath like old nappies, arms like toilet
walls... scum of the universe. They're all like that, aren't they?

HOLLY
  Well, the nice ones are, yeah. Hang on, I've got one of them on
file somewhere. Here we go:

[HOLLY's image is replaced by a terrifying face sporting a green centre
 stripe of hair, tribal tattoo's, and hundreds of studs and rings]
 
NIGEL
  I'm Nigel. I'm nice!

[HOLLY re-appears]

HOLLY
  See what I mean? They're not all headbangers. Nige is lovely, though he
does tend to get a bit narky if you go too close to him with a magnet.

LISTER
  Thanks very much Holl. Y' really cheering me up.

[LISTER presses a stud on his watch and HOLLY's image disappears]

[Exit HOLLY]

LISTER
  The brig.

[LISTER mooches unhappily across the room and slumps into the chair]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER steps quietly through the open door, an enormously amused smile
 on his face, and stands behind LISTER, listening]

LISTER
        Two years..! Two years without curry and lager! Two years without sex!

[RIMMER leans on LISTER's chair and looks down over him]

RIMMER
  You hope!

[LISTER looks up, startled]

LISTER
  Rimmer!

[RIMMER saunters across the room]

RIMMER
  Word's out they're going to throw the book at you, Listy! Followed by the
bookcase, and then the library, brick by brick.

LISTER
  God, it's you like you used to be. Ughhh.

RIMMER
  What got into you? You can't fly a Starbug, meladdo! You're a technician!
A zero! A nobody!

LISTER
  This is gonna sound nuts, but the whole crew died, including you! And
you've all been resurrected by these microscopic little robots!

RIMMER
  I died?

LISTER
  Yeah.

RIMMER
  All the crew died?

LISTER
  Yeah.

RIMMER
  And you're going to spend the next two years in the brig with a
load of neanderthals with badly spelled tattoos. So where are we, is it my
heaven?

LISTER
  Look, a radiation leak wiped everybody out. I survived because I was in
stasis.

[LISTER pushes himself to his feet and heads towards RIMMER]

LISTER
 Then these nano's arrived... rebuilt the ship, and resurrected the
crew.

RIMMER
  So where are they?

LISTER
  Dunno... gone, scarpered. Maybe I should take the fifth?

RIMMER
  The fifth? If I were you, I'd take the sixth, seventh and eighth, too.

LISTER
  I've got to track down these nano's, to corroborate our story. Otherwise,
who's going to believe our defence? Only meths drinkers and the corn circle
society.
  I need your help, man.

RIMMER
  Me?

LISTER
  Who else is going to help me? I'm confined to quarters. The minute I walk
though that door -

[LISTER indicates the open hatchway, then taps his security bracelet
 meaningfully]

LISTER
  I get enough wattage up my jacksie to light up the whole of Bootle!

RIMMER
  Well, considering what the future has in store for your jacksie, a couple
of zillion volts is going to be easy street...
 

[-- 43 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------15:03--]

[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, two MP'S present]

[KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI proceed more sedately before the watchful eyes of
 their two MP guards, who follow at a distance. KRYTEN holds a notepad and
 pen]

KOCHANSKI
  Why have the nanobots done this? Put us in this situation.

KRYTEN
  In the past they have only ever done things that have ultimately
benefitted us. We should take comfort in that.

KOCHANSKI
  Like what?

KRYTEN
  Like when they first stole Red Dwarf and took us on a merry goose chase
halfway round the galaxy. They led us to Legion, where Mister Rimmer
acquired a hard light body.

[KRYTEN scribbles notes on his pad]

KOCHANSKI
  Benefit.

KRYTEN
  And then they took us back to Red Dwarf and rebooted Holly.

[KRYTEN makes a note of this, too]

KOCHANSKI
  Benefit. And, after that, they led you to the temporal rip where you met
me!

[Pausing in the corridor, KRYTEN ponders this for a moment before throwing
 both pad and pen away and stalking off. KOCHANSKI curls a lip as he goes]

[Exit KRYTEN]

[KOCHANSKI receives a subtle nudge from one of the MPs, and starts off after
 the droid, frowing]
 

[-- 44 - Int. Corridor on officers deck ----------------------------15:34--]

[CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER present]

[The CMO wears a white, above-knee-length lab coat over her grey uniform
 of blouse and shorter skirt. She taps a foot unconsciously and checks her
 watch impatiently as she waits outside a door marked 'Captain's Restroom'.
 The flush of a toilet is heard and the door opens]

[Enter CAPTAIN HOLLISTER]

[HOLLISTER backs out of the room, spraying an aerosol can. He places the
 can back on a shelf before closing the door, and starts as he notices the
 CMO]

CMO
  What's this rumour that we're three million light years into Deep Space,
and Red Dwarf's changed shape?

[HOLLISTER stares at her incredulously and exhales heavily in irritation.
 He heads off down the corridor, the CMO following]

HOLLISTER
  That is classified information, Karen! Who the hell told you that?

CMO
  The coffee machine on G-deck.

HOLLISTER
  That damn coffee machine. I'm gonna bust his ass down to tampon dispenser!

CMO
  Is it true?

HOLLISTER
  Until we get Holly back up, we can't verify it.

[HOLLISTER pauses in front of an elevator and presses the call button]

HOLLISTER
  Starbug took out one of his CPU banks in the crash and we're having
trouble rebooting.

CMO
  The coffee machine said the ship's now identical to its original design
plans, before the JMC made all its cutbacks?

HOLLISTER
  We now have a quark-level matter/anti-matter generator, ship-wide
bio-organic computer networking, and a karaoke bar on C-deck.

CMO
  But how? And how did we wind up in Deep Space?

HOLLISTER
  Nobody knows...

[The elevator chimes and the doors slide open. HOLLISTER steps in, and the
 CMO joins him]

[Exit HOLLISTER, CMO]
 

[-- 45 - CGI shot --------------------------------------------------16:41--]

[The elevator slides speedily down a long shaft]
 

[-- 45 - CGI shot --------------------------------------------------16:44--]

[Close-up on a display screen. A medical scanner initalises and begins a
 scan. Messages appear as follows:]

        "Medi-scan enabled"
 
[Humanoid figure appears on screen; focus reticle begins buzzing over the
 figure]

        "Anomalies detected - cardiovascular system and internal --"
 

[-- 46 - Int. Medical lab ------------------------------------------16:50--]

[CAT present]

[HOLLISTER, CMO present]

[The CAT is laid out on an examination table and covered with a sheet. His
 face twitches, as if dreaming]

CMO
  We don't believe this one's human. Take a look at this:

[The CMO lifts the sheet and HOLLISTER peers under it at CAT's chest. He
 whistles in suprise]

HOLLISTER
  Has he got the measles?

CMO
  Those are his nipples, Frank.
 

[-- 47 - CGI shot --------------------------------------------------16:57--]

[Medi-scan image: six points of light appear on the torso of the humanoid
 image]
 

[-- 48 - Int. Medical lab ------------------------------------------17:00--]

HOLLISTER
  Six nipples? I wonder what the female of the species is like?

[CAT suddenly peers at the Captain under hooded lids]

CAT
  Pretty easy to please in bed! Especially if you play the piano.

CMO
  His internal organs are different, too.

HOLLISTER
  In what way?

CMO
  His kidney, liver, appendix, are all colour co-ordinated.

[She points out the details on the med-scan screen, and CAT grins at them
 proudly]

CAT
  And even weirder, his stomach wall appears to be decorated.

HOLLISTER
  This guy's intestines look better than my quarters.

CMO
  His heartbeat's weird too. Instead of a normal heartbeat, his
sounds... cooler...

CAT
  You think I'm going to have the dorky human heartbeat? D-dff,
  d-dff, d-dff, d-dff.  Where's the tune in that?

HOLLISTER
  Let me hear it.

[The CMO taps on a control pad by CAT's bed]

[Fx: Pf-pbb-pbb-p-pbb, pf-pbb-pbb-p-pbb]

CMO
  Also, his pulse is a different rhythm.

[The CMO taps on the pad again]

[Fx: pulse is layered with the heartbeat, creating a trippy bongo breakbeat]

[HOLLISTER begins swaying to the beat, and the CMO glances at him over her
 glasses]

HOLLISTER
  Oh, that's good. Can you slam that down on tape for me?
 

[-- 49 - Int. Anteroom aboard Red Dwarf -----------------------Raz--18:07--]

[LISTER, RIMMER present]

[The pair sit at either end of a row of seats, apparently waiting before
 LISTER is to be called into a meeting. LISTER sits uncomfortably, turned
 out in full uniform - grey shirt and trousers, even a tie that, LISTER
 being unused to wearing, hangs about three or four inches from his
 neckline. A guard stands at the entrace to the anteroom]

LISTER
  Rimmer, I'm begging you man: help me escape. I've got to track down these
nanobots.

RIMMER
  I'm not risking my career and standing for you, Listy. I'm going places!

[LISTER pulls a sarcastic face to match his voice and mimes]

LISTER
  "Up the ziggurat, lickety-split"...

RIMMER
  Up the ziggurat, lickety-split, precisely! I'm going to pass the
engineering exam!

LISTER
  "And become an officer"...

RIMMER
  And become an officer, yes! An officer. A guy of honour, decency and
breeding.

LISTER
  Are you saying I haven't got those qualities?

RIMMER
  Generally, people with breeding, when they're bored and want my bridge
club chums to wrap up and go home, people with breeding, generally, do not
play 'Popeye the Sailor Man' with a kazoo inserted between their buttocks.

LISTER
  I remember that! I used to do that sort of thing, didn't I?

RIMMER
  And while we're on the subject, when someone has had a tad too much
claret, and has fallen asleep naked on their bunk, people of honour
generally don't take a polaroid of your snoozing todger, draw a moustache,
mouth and ears on it, and then pin it up on the bulletin board under
'missing persons'.

[LISTER shifts on his seat unconfortably and nods]

RIMMER
  They don't write underneath, "Have you seen this man? Believed to be a
French movie star".

LISTER
  As if your todger with a couple of eyes drawn on it would look like a
French movie star. Way too good looking.

RIMMER
  Don't expect help from me, Lister.

LISTER
  But that was years ago...

RIMMER
  It was last week!

LISTER
  Last week for you, because you've just been resurrected; years ago for me.
And anyway I was whirlitzered then. I even finished off the advocar. I even
downed that smeg-awful pink stuff down the back of the drinks cabinet.

RIMMER
  That was my Windowlene... I must have left it there when I was cleaning
the glass.

LISTER
  It tasted all right with that Chartruess green liqueurey thing in it.

[RIMMER stares at LISTER]

RIMMER
  You drank my Swarfega too? You're unbelievable.

LISTER
  Look, I've changed, I'm different now... more mature, more debonair. I
don't even stir my tea with a spanner any more. You'd hardly recognise me.

RIMMER
  Have you stopped playing the guitar?

LISTER
  No, but I've stopped accompanying myself on the armpit. What I'm trying to
say is that I don't need to take my frustrations out on you anymore.

RIMMER
  How's that?

LISTER
  I've been away, what is it? Five, six years, not counting stasis? I've
done stuff! Stuff that would make your hair straight. I've come through it.
  I can help you...

RIMMER
  Do what?

LISTER
  Get promoted.

[RIMMER laughs shortly]

RIMMER
  Preposterous!
  How?

LISTER
  Information. I've seen the crew's confidential reports. I've seen their
strengths and weaknesses...

RIMMER
  How?

LISTER
  Well, before you were resurrected, I had the run of the whole of the ship.
I've seen the crew's files, medical records, sessions with the therapist,
the works. Knowledge is power. Who said that?

RIMMER
  I don't know.

LISTER
  Nor do I. The point I'm trying to make is, I can make you look like a
genius. You can get promoted in the field, man, you won't have to take
exams, or do that astro-engineering smeg... Just, help me escape.

RIMMER
  I have my principles, Lister. You think you can buy me with promises of
power and glory? You really think --
  Okay, I'll do it. But you'll have to prove it to me first.

LISTER
  You're on.

RIMMER
  Get me promoted.

LISTER
  You've got it.

RIMMER
  Okay, deal.

LISTER
  You'll find the confidential files in Starbug's cockpit. There's a senile
version of Holly loaded into this watch. He'll lead you to it.
 

[-- 50 - Int. Medical office aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------21:48--]

[KRYTEN, COUNSELLOR present]

[The two are seated at a table in a small but uncluttered room, sparesely
 furnished and with few distractions, other than the small porthole  set
 into the wall above the table. The man seated opposite KRYTEN is of middle
 years, small, has a receeding hairline and smiles decidedly too much]

COUNSELLOR
  Hello, I'm Doctor Lucas McClaren; I am the ship's chief 'psychiatric
counsellor', and I thought it's about time we got together, and had a really
good natter.

[The COUNSELLOR manages to patronise without seeming to be aware of it,
 speaking as though to a child or, more likely in his line of work, a
 'delicately balanced' person.
 All of this has no effect upon KRYTEN, of course, who sits congenially
 through the COUNSELLOR's opening spiel]

KRYTEN
  My name is Kryten, sir.

COUNSELLOR
  Lovely! We are doing well, aren't we!

[The COUNSELLOR makes a note of the name on his clipboard]

COUNSELLOR
         Now, you're a robot, aren't you?

KRYTEN
  I was, the last time I looked, sir, yes.

COUNSELLOR
  And can you tell me, when you were created, can you remember?

KRYTEN
  2340 sir.

COUNSELLOR
  Very good, 2340.

[The COUNSELLOR notes down KRYTEN's answer, before pausing and glancing
 up at the mechanoid as though recognising a mischievous joke]

COUNSELLOR
         Now, that's in the future, isn't it?

KRYTEN
  Yes sir, I was created after you died.

COUNSELLOR
  Lovely! Lovely! So, I died, er, and you were created. And how long would
you say I've been dead, altogether?

KRYTEN
  Oh, you're not dead any more, sir.

COUNSELLOR
  Aren't I?

KRYTEN
  No no, you're alive again now, sir. Can't you tell?

COUNSELLOR
  Right! I *was* alive, died, and then started living again..?

KRYTEN
  You have been most fortunate, sir!

[The COUNSELLOR laughs along with the percieved joke, obviously
 uncomfortable ]

COUNSELLOR
  I have, haven't I? Golly! Your chair is screwed down, isn't it, Kryten?

[KRYTEN dutifully checks, puzzled, and nods confirmation]

KRYTEN
  Er, yes, sir?

COUNSELLOR
  Just checking! Excellent, lovely, lovely! So-o, how did I suddenly spring
back to life again?

KRYTEN
  You were rebuilt, sir, by these itty-bitty, teeny-weeny, teenty little
robots!

COUNSELLOR
  'Teenty little robots'?

KRYTEN
  And they make this little noise - 'miniminiminiminiminiminiminiminimini'!

COUNSELLOR
  Yes, just double check that chair for me, would you, Kryten?

[Again KRYTEN checks, as instruccted]

COUNSELLOR
  It is still screwed down, isn't it?

KRYTEN
  Er, yes, sir.

COUNSELLOR
  With really long, long screws that go deep, deep into the ground?

[KRYTEN attempts an experimental shake of the chair, which doesn't move]

KRYTEN
  Er, yes, sir.

COUNSELLOR
  Okay, now tell me, what kind of robot do you think you are? What were you
programmed to do?

KRYTEN
  Oh well, I'm a sanitation droid, sir. I'm programmed to do sanitation-type
things: washing, cleaning, ironing.

COUNSELLOR
  Hmm. You also drive spaceships though, don't you? Pretend to be the
science officer, and sit in that lovely, swivelly chair, with all those
lovely, pretty buttons and press them all?

KRYTEN
  Yes, I do that too, sir. That's sort of thanks to Mister Lister.

COUNSELLOR
  Mister Lister..?

[The COUNSELLOR shuffles a few papers, looking for references to the name]

KRYTEN
  He helped break my programming, sir. Over the years I have managed to
develop some serious character faults of which I'm extremely proud!
  I'm even able to lie to a modest standard, for example: "you have a very
fine hair cut!"

[KRYTEN laughs heartily, either as part of his example, or, perhaps, as a
 result of it. The COUNSELLOR catches on and laughs along for safety]

COUNSELLOR
  You see how good I've got? Also, "I've completely mastered pomposity,
even though I say so myself!"
  I've also developed several rudimentary emotions, including fear: "Oh my
God! It's going to kill us!"; sadness: "Oh my God, it's killed us";
happiness: "oh no it hasn't!"; surprise: "Oohh! I've turned into a frog!",
and just lately, I'm proud to say, I've got the hang of anger, with
rudimentary mindless violence:

[KRYTEN abruptly lets out a yell and thumps a fist down over the
 COUNSELLOR's hand, who grimaces before again attempting to play along
 with the mechanoid in the usual, easy-going psychiatric manner]

KRYTEN
  That's a newie.

[The COUNSELLOR nods in solicitous agreement, then begins making notes
 on his clipboard as KRYTEN prattles on]

KRYTEN
  I was going to launch it at this year's Emotion Show. At the moment, I'm
working on ambivalence, which means feeling two opposite, irreconcilable
emotions about the same thing:

[KRYTEN works his facial servos diligently, yet all he achieves is to
 produce a series of disjointed grimaces, scowls and less obvious spasms.
 The COUNSELLOR watches, bemused]

KRYTEN
  As you can see, I haven't quite got the hang of that one yet. I look like
a dog with a caramel toffee.

[The COUNSELLOR checks his notes]

COUNSELLOR
  What is your relationship with Lister?

KRYTEN
  I love Mister Lister, sir, he taught me everything. Without him, I'd
probably be normal.

COUNSELLOR
  I'm going to make a recommendation now, Kryten, which I think will help
you, but just before I do, just double check that chair for me, would you?

[The counsellor rubber-stamps his form, the stamp bears the legend:
 "RESTORE TO FACTORY SETTINGS"]
 

[-- 51 - CGI/Model / live action composite -------------------------25:33--]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER strides through a large, open bay within Red Dwarf]
 

[-- 52 - Int. Starbug wreckage -------------------------------------25:37--]

[RIMMER has returned to the wreckage of Starbug and picks his way through
 the blackened debris. He searches loops of charred cabling until he
 discovers the remains of a set of computer terminals. He ejects a disk from
 one such]

RIMMER
  Yes!

[RIMMER slips the disk into a thigh pocket and, in glancing down, notices
 something on the floor. He retrieves two small vials, one containing blue
 liquid, the other red, and holds them up to examine the labels printed on
 each stopper]

RIMMER
  "Luck virus"; "Sexual Magnetism"?

[RIMMER presses a stud on his wristwatch and activates HOLLY]

[Enter HOLLY]

RIMMER
  Holly, what's this?

HOLLY
  Dave got them years ago from this scientist called Lanstrom. They're
positive viruses. One gives you sexual magnetism, and the other gives you
luck. Well, 'til your natural body defences combat the virus.

[RIMMER stares into the depths of the red liquid, afire with the
 possibilities]

RIMMER
  Sexual magnetism!

HOLLY
  You gonna use it?

RIMMER
  Is Paris a kind of plaster? You bet I am! A tiny swigette to see if it
works.

[RIMMER unscrews the stopper and holds up the vial]

RIMMER
  Well, bottoms up!

[He takes a sip of the liquid - from his expression its not unpleasant,
 though obviously not what he expected]

RIMMER
  Then bottoms down, and hopefully bottoms up again!

[RIMMER laughs to himself, re-fastens the vial and scarpers]

[Exit RIMMER]

[A message flashes on HOLLY's screen: "SICKBAGS ON STANDBY"]
 

[-- 53 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------26:32--]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMERS saunters through a corridor in the crew section]

[Enter THREE FEMALE CREWMEMBERS]

[The three women are talking between themselves in the corner of the
 corridor, which curves at a right-angle at that point to lead further
 through the crew section. At soon as RIMMER approaches, they break off
 their conversation and eye him closely as he walks by, smiling. He
 inclines his head politely]

WOMEN
  Hi, Arn...

[RIMMER's eyebrows climb in pleasant surprise as he quickly turns away to
 proceed along the corridor, a swagger to his step. The women pass murmured
 comments between themselves as they watch him depart]
 
[Enter TWO FEMALE CREWMEMBERS]

[RIMMER approaches two more women further along the corridor and smiles
 broadly]

RIMMER
  Ladies!

WOMEN
  Hi, Arnold...

[RIMMER can barely contain himself as he walks on by, the five women eying
 him appreciatively as he goes]

RIMMER
  The world loves a bastard!
 

[Legend: "TO BE CONTINUED!"]
 

[-------------------- END OF "BACK IN THE RED, part 1" -------------26:49--]

[CAST REFERENCE]

        RIMMER                    LISTER                    CAT
     Chris Barrie              Craig Charles         Danny John-Jules

        KRYTEN                   KOCHANSKI                 HOLLY
   Robert Llewellyn             Chloe Annett           Norman Lovett
 

  CAPTAIN [HOLLISTER]              CHEN                    SELBY
     Mac McDonald              Paul Bradley           David Gillespie

    MP THORNTON             [CMO] KAREN NEWTON  [COUNSELLOR] LUCAS MCCLAREN
Karl Glenn Stimpson            Kika Mirylees            Andy Taylor
 

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor;
 no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms
 and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk"  Thanks.]