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Back In The Red, part 2 - Script v1.0
{MATRIX CITY}
{RED DWARF Clearing House}
 
Raz, Datalink-Karma, 1996-99

Back in the Red, part 2
 

More than a one-week-wonder, here's Back In The Red, part 2!

This is version 1.0 of the script, and is now complete, barring corrections. Enjoy!
 
[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor, no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at the usual addy. Thanks.]


Raz, DTLK, 1996-99 : 23Mar99 


[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                           RED DWARF - SERIES 8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                    EPISODE 2 -- BACK IN THE RED, part 2
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                               Version 1.0
                       25 February - 04 March, 1999
                        Last update: 23 March, 1999
                      Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk
                      http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk
 

[-- 1 - CGI/Model shot ----------------------------------------------0:00--]

[RED DWARF slowly crosses a star-scape]

[Narrative text appears over the ship:]

 "The mining ship Red Dwarf
  Reconstructed together with
  its original crew, by an army
  of microscopic robots

  Reason - smeg knows"
 

[-- 2 - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------0:17--]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[The CAPTAIN is seated, facing a camera which bleeps as it powers up,
 exapanding its aperture until it has him in tight focus]

HOLLISTER
  This is the daily report of Captain F. Hollister of the mining ship Red
Dwarf. Several of my crew are presently being tried for crimes against the
Space Corps:

[Cue three scenes of 'video evidence': edited clips from 'Back In The Red,
 part 1'. The signal hisses into static for a second as the first clip
 patches in]
 

[-- 3 - Int. Sleeping Quarters --------------------------------------0:25--]

[LISTER, RIMMER present]

[LISTER is seated at the table in their sleeping quarters, a security
 bracelet in place around his wrist. He holds his head in his hands glumly]

LISTER
  This is gonna sound nuts, but the whole crew died, including you!

[He turns to regard RIMMER, who stands beside him, a look of suspicion on
 his face]

LISTER
  And you've all been resurrected by these microscopic little robots!

[Bleeps issue from the video system as a cut is made to events a little
 further ahead. The scene is unchanged; LISTER now stands, pacing across
 the sleeping quarters uneasily]

LISTER
  I've got to track down these nano's, to corroborate our story. Otherwise,
who's going to believe our defence? Only meths drinkers and the corn circle
society.
  I need your help, man.

[Timecode bleeps issue once more as this clip cuts to:]
 

[-- 4 - Int. Anteroom aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------------0:43--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

[The pair sit together on a row of seats, both turned out in full uniform.
 LISTER is petitioning RIMMER heatedly. A series of rapid-fire cuts take
 us through the meat of LISTER's pitch]

LISTER
  I've seen the crew's files, medical records, sessions with the therapist,
the works.
  [...]
  I can make you look like a genius. You can get promoted in the field, man,
you won't have to take exams --
  [...]
  Just, help me escape.

RIMMER
  I have my principles, Lister. You think you can buy me with promises of
power and glory? You really think-- okay, I'll do it. But you'll have to
prove it to me first.

LISTER
  You're on.

RIMMER
  Get me promoted.

LISTER
  You'll find the confidential files in Starbug's cockpit. There's a senile
version of Holly loaded into this watch. He'll lead you to it.
 

[-- 5 - Int. Starbug wreckage ---------------------------------------1:16--]

[RIMMER present]

[RIMMER has returned to the wreckage of Starbug and is searching through the
 remains of the terminals. He ejects a disk from one such]

RIMMER
  Yes!
 

[-- 6 - CGI/Model shot -----------------------------------------Raz--1:21--]

[RED DWARF slowly crosses a star-scape]
 

[-- 7 - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------1:27--]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[The CAPTAIN is seated at his desk in the tidy, well-furnished office, going
 through some paperwork]

[Enter RIMMER, carrying a folder under his left arm]

[The CAPTAIN puts down his pen upon seeing RIMMER, and rests his chin on a
 hand]

[RIMMER stands to attention and begins a salute. Obviously undaunted by the
 lack of officer support during his earlier attempt to supplant the
 convential Space Corps salute, RIMMER has been working hard to 'improve'
 his own version. Apparently forgoing his tribute to the five Arms of the
 Space Corps, as depicted by the twirls of his hand in the older salutes,
 this new one seems instead to include one hand-twirl for every ship in the
 Space Corps fleet.]

RIMMER
  My captain, sir.

[The CAPTAIN stares impassively at RIMMER, who continues to hold him arm
 outstretched and twirl his hand]

HOLLISTER
  Rimmer, is this salute ever gonna end? Err, do I have time to go for a cup
of coffee? Maybe go on vacation?

[RIMMER is oblivious to the sarcasm]

RIMMER
  Nearly finished sir. It's my very special extra long salute, I reserve for
the especially important, sir.

[After no less than fifty-two hand-twirls, RIMMER completes his salute by
 snapping his hand up to temple, whipping it to his side and executing a
 series of high-speed figure-eights about his hip before whipping the hand
 down to rest at his side. CAPTAIN HOLLISTER smiles at him indulgently]

HOLLISTER
  You wanted to see me?

RIMMER
  I'm concerned over some of the safety procedures on board, sir. There's a
potentially lethal scenario concerning drive plates, sir.

[The CAPTAIN's smile fades, recognising serious issues even when they come
 from RIMMER]

RIMMER
 Obviously, anyone who mis-repaired one of these plates would have to have a
brain the size of a leprechaun's testicle, nevertheless, sir, like German
tourists, the stupid are everywhere.
  I propose the following new safety procedures, sir.

[RIMMER hands his folder to the CAPTAIN. HOLLISTER glances over the
 abstract, surprise on his face]

HOLLISTER
  Did you really think of this?

RIMMER
  Permission to look smug, sir?

[HOLLISTER closes the folder and gestures consent]

HOLLISTER
  Permission granted.

[A sickening expression creeps over RIMMER's face]

HOLLISTER
  Good work, Rimmer. Great work.

RIMMER
  Oh, before I go, sir. Happy wedding anniversary, sir.

[RIMMER places a small cake on the CAPTAIN's desk. Inexplicably, the
 cakecase is emblazoned with the 'Tesco' logo]

RIMMER
  I'm sure you must be missing her terribly.

[The CAPTAIN picks up the cake and inhales deeply, his eyes faraway]

HOLLISTER
  A blueberry muffin... like Martha used to make... thanks, Rimmer...
 
[The CAPTAIN puts the muffin back on his desk and gestures to the door,
 seeming to take care not to appear brusque]

CAPTAIN
  Dismissed.

RIMMER
  Ah, sir, just one more thing. I know the medical guys think we've run out
of this stuff, but I discovered a couple of un-opened medi-crates in
Storage, sir. If this is useful to you in any way, it's yours - no questions
asked.

[RIMMERS hands the CAPTAIN a small, rectangular box. The CAPTAIN peers at
 the small text on the side]

HOLLISTER
  "Anus Soothe Pile Cream. The easy-to-apply cream that comes with its own
special glove."

[-- 7 - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------1:27--]
[RIMMER hands over a flattenned rubber glove; it is shaped to encase a
 bunched fist and has one, long, finger. The CAPTAIN stares at RIMMER
 steadily]

RIMMER
  "One size fits all"...

[HOLLISTER eyes the glove, then peers at RIMMER inquiringly]

RIMMER
  I could tell from your walk.

[HOLLISTER holds up a finger to hold RIMMER then delves in a desk drawer]

HOLLISTER
  Rimmer...

[Withdrawing an envelope, HOLLISTER plucks a folded piece of paper from his
 desk and slides it in]

HOLLISTER
  Could you post this for me?

[The CAPTAIN scrawls a name on the envelope and hands it to RIMMER]

RIMMER
  Why, certainly, sir.

[RIMMER takes the envelope, licks the seal and presses the flap down.
 Turning it over in his hands, he notices the addressee]

RIMMER
  Oh, its addressed to me, sir?

HOLLISTER
  I'm giving a supper for some of the guys that I've marked out for greater
  things.

RIMMER
  And you want me to be the wine waiter, sir?

HOLLISTER
  This report is first rate! Now, I *want* you to come to supper. See you on
Friday. Incidentally, its black tie...

RIMMER
  Thai, Chinese, I'll eat anything, sir!  Though, I would prefer it if it
wasn't black... any chance of having mine medium-rare, sir?

[Wincing, HOLLISTER points to the door]

HOLLISTER
  Just go! Wear what the hell you want...

[RIMMER executes a second excrutiatingly long salute, first bringing up his
 hand almost like a reverse-cue of his introductory spectacle. Arm
 outstretched, RIMMER brings first shoulders then hips into play to supply
 the necessary emphasis to this particular work of art, which culminates in
 a wild bout of arm flinging and a terminating leap to stamp the feet
 together solidly. RIMMER about-faces, and limps away clutching his chafed
 ankles]

[Exit RIMMER]

[HOLLISTER watches him go, exasperated]
 

[-- 8 - Int. Medical bay --------------------------------------------5:12--]

[MEDIC present]

[Enter KRYTEN, wearing a lavender jumpsuit]

[The MEDIC, absorbed in his work, does not notice the peculiar nature of his
 patient]

MEDIC
  Get undressed.

[KRYTEN waddles off and disappears behind a modesty screen. Moments later
 he shuffles back to the MEDIC, having removed both his jumpsuit and his
 black outer shell to reveal a beige under-version. His hands modestly
 cover his groinal socket]

MEDIC
  Fill this up, behind the screen.

[Not looking up from his paperwork, the MEDIC hands KRYTEN a specimen
 bottle, which the mechanoid takes with him behind the screen. When he
 returns, the bottle is filled with flowers. Catching sight of the flowers,
 the MEDIC finally notices his patient's peculiar disposition and, after
 a moment's shock, frows at the prospect at having to do more work than he
 previously thought necessary]

[The MEDIC tries to measure KRYTEN's blood pressure (oil pressure?), but
 succeeds only in inflating the hand on the mechonoid's other arm. The over-
 inflated hand blows off and raspberry's its way around the room]
 

[-- 9 - Int. Examination room ---------------------------------------6:03--]

[MEDIC, KRYTEN present]

[KRYTEN lies on his back on a table, legs apart and in stirrups. The MEDIC
 stands between KRYTEN's legs, holding a power drill. MEDIC unscrews two
 bolts, whereupon KRYTEN's head falls off and rolls out of the room]
 

[-- 10 - Int. Kochanski's Quarters -----------------------------Raz--6:22--]

[KOCHANSKI present]

[KOCHANSKI sits cross-legged on her bed, holding a white, fluffy toy. More
 toys sit on a shelf at the head of the bed, but otherwise the room is quite
 sparsely furnished]

[Enter NURSE, KRYTEN]

KOCHANSKI
  Kryten, hi...

[Exit NURSE]

KOCHANSKI
  What are you doing here?

[KRYTEN sits down on the bed, looking tearful]

KOCHANSKI
  What's wrong?

KRYTEN
  I've been classified as a woman.

KOCHANSKI
  A woman, why?

KRYTEN
  Well, because I haven't got a... [sotto voce] *penis*...

[KOCHANSKI's eyes widen with understanding and she sneaks a glance in that
 direction before KRYTEN resumes speaking]

KRYTEN
  It's a Space Corps. directive to prevent gender ambiguity in jail. What's
the saying, "if you've got nothing to swing, you can't be with Bing".

KOCHANSKI
  Well, what happened, did you lose it?

KRYTEN
  I was never issued with one, ma'am. Well, why would I need one, unless
somehow I lost both arms and there was an emergency situation to write my
name in the snow.

KOCHANSKI
  So, you mean, you've never had a steak, pie, peas and chips set?

KRYTEN
  I think the phrase is "meat and two veg", ma'am.
  No, the only mechanoids that were ever issued with genitals were the ones
created to work on Italian starships. It was felt they could acclimatise
themselves better if they could mimic their Italian crewmates and stand
around cupping themselves all day.

KOCHANSKI
  But hey, now you're a woman its going to mean some big changes in the way
you behave.

KRYTEN
  I'm not going to be a woman for long, ma'am. Just overnight. They want my
permission to repair my corrupted files. Tomorrow afternoon. Restore my
factory settings!

KOCHANSKI
  But your corrupted files are what makes you *you*!

KRYTEN
  I've been diagnosed as being quirky and unstable!

KOCHANSKI
  Oh!

KRYTEN
  Spin my nipple-nuts and send me to Alaska! Quirky!? How could they reach a
verdict like that? And as for unstable! It makes me so...

[KRYTEN's face spasms]

KRYTEN
  Darn it, I still haven't got the hang of that emotion, have I?

KOCHANSKI
  What was it supposed to be?

KRYTEN
  Ambivalence. Didn't come out right though, did it? I look like Mister
Lister when he's forced to eat fruit.

KOCHANSKI
  Well, look, what are you going to do?

KRYTEN
  Why, I have to go along with them, ma'am... I can't say no, they *are* my
superiors.

KOCHANSKI
  Look, you've *got* to say no!

KRYTEN
  I can't! They're better than me, I'm, I'm not strong enough!

KOCHANSKI
  Right, here's a tip: if you get scared tomorrow, just imagine what they
  look like on the loo... can you see them?

KRYTEN
  No, I... Ooh..! Yes, I can!

[KRYTEN laughs, delighted]

KOCHANSKI
  Do they still seem better than you?

KRYTEN
  No, ma'am!

KOCHANSKI
  Do they still seem superior?

KRYTEN
  No, ma'am!

KOCHANSKI
  That's what you've got to do tomorrow! Just re-create that picture!

[KRYTEN seems to stare distantly and laughs again]

KRYTEN
  It works for everyone!

[KOCHANSKI grins along with him, caught up in the moment]

KOCHANSKI
  Yes!
  Who are you looking at now?

KRYTEN
  You, ma'am!

[KRYTEN chortles merrily as he looks KOCHANSKI up and down, while her face
 falls in annoyance]
 

[-- 11 - Int. Courtroom ---------------------------------------------8:41--]

[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, two BAILIFFS present]

[The Dwarfers are seated in a row at a long table placed centrally in a
 cramped office room. They face a smaller, empty, table, and BAILIFFS stand
 to attention behind them them, flanking the entrance to the room]

BAILIFF
  Be upstanding.

[The four rise to their feet]

[Enter CHIEF ENGINEER, CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER KAREN NEWTON]

[The CAPTAIN and the two female officers head for the smaller of the two
 tables]

LISTER [to KOCHANSKI]
  Just relax, Rimmer's gonna help us escape. This enquiry's a piece of cake,
we're just going through the motions...

HOLLISTER
  Let's get this enquiry under way.

[Everyone takes their seats, the CAPTAIN seated at the centre of the smaller
 table, flanked by the two officers]

HOLLISTER
  You have refused defense assistance, is that right?

[CAT holds up his pen to call for indulgence, then gestures to the others,
 who lean in to form a huddle]

CAT
  Okay, this is what we do. I've watched a lot of TV shows and we all huddle
together like this and whisper for a while before we answer. It looks like
we know what we're doing!

[CAT breaks the huddle]

CAT
  We intend to defend ourselves!

[The Dwarfers huddle together hurriedly]

CAT
  You see how good that looked?

[The four break]

HOLLISTER
  Are you familiar with the mind scan?

LISTER
  We are familiar with the mind scan, sir.

HOLLISTER
  You are aware that it pictorially enhances the cognitive process, making
your innermost thoughts available for recording and viewing to a board of
enquiry?

KOCHANSKI
  Yes, sir.

HOLLISTER
  You understand that it will involve the administration of psychotropic
drugs, that is, drugs that affect your mental state, making this process
possible? If you accept, say 'aye'.

KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER
  Aye.

[HOLLISTER gestures towards the paperwork laid out in front of the four
 Dwarfers]

HOLLISTER
  Please sign the consent forms and seal them into the envelopes provided.

[HOLLISTER glances at his CMO as the four sign papers and slip them into
 their envelopes]

HOLLISTER
  We reconvene at 10am tomorrow.

[The Dwarfers lick the seals on their envelopes and seal them up]
 

[-- 12 - Int. Holding cells -----------------------------------------9:47--]

[LISTER present]

[The door, really just a large opening in one wall, to the cell in which
 LISTER's sits is covered by a dark, but translucent, blue forcefield that
 shimmers in an unsettling sine-wave pattern. A second forcefield covers
 the entrance to the cells, and a control panel decorates the wall between
 the two shielded doors]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER fingers a control panel on the far side of the wall and the
 forcefield covering the entrance to the cells lifts. He steps through, the
 field reforming behind him, then taps a code into the control panel by
 LISTER's cell and the field covering the cell's entrance lifts. He joins
 LISTER inside and the field drops down]

RIMMER
  The plan's working, Listy.
 

[-- 13 - Int. Cell interior -----------------------------------------9:59--]

[LISTER, RIMMER present]

[RIMMER takes a seat on the bench opposite LISTER]

RIMMER
        Operation Get Rimmer Officerhood, Power and Eminence, or G.R.O.P.E. for
short, is bang on course.

LISTER
  That information I gave you on the drive plates worked, then? Yes!

RIMMER
  The Captain's face! He couldn't have been happier if I'd given him two
girls wresting in a giant vat of Baked Beans, then removed the girls and
handed him a spoon.
  He's never been so pleased! And, get this, he's invited me to supper with
the movers and the shakers.

LISTER
  The movers and the shakers? You're going to supper with some removal men
and a group of people suffering from Parkinson's Disease?

RIMMER
  At last I'll be able to exorcise my father's disapproval. Those terrible,
sneery looks he used to give me, as he stood on the touchline watching me
captain the school's skipping team. Hew was never proud of me. What other
father would claim to have an alibi for his sperm on the night of
conception?
  Who cares now? Not me, Listy. I'm on my way, up the ziggurat, lickety-
split.

LISTER
  Well, don't forget your part of the deal.

[LISTER holds up his wrist, indicating the security bracelet]

LISTER
         The override code for this so I can leg it.

RIMMER
  It's too soon, I'm not an officer yet!

LISTER
  The trial begins tomorrow, man! Without the nanobots our defence has got
more holes than my socks.

RIMMER
  But once you've legged it, where does that leave me? I'm not helping you
escape and losing all my insider knowledge. I'm not an officer yet.

LISTER
  Woh! we shook hands on a deal!

RIMMER
  Yeah but, Lister, you know me; my handshake's less reliable than a
plumber's estimate.

LISTER
  No escapo, no more info.

RIMMER
  Listy, its not going to help you.

[RIMMER takes out a CD from his trousers' thigh pocket and holds it up.
 LISTER places a hand over his temples, frustrated]

RIMMER
  I've got the confidential files. Plus, I went through Starbug's salvage,
and I found these:

[RIMMER fishes around in a rear pocket and draws out two vials, one filled
 with a blue liquid, the other a red liquid, and holds them out. LISTER
 takes them and examines each in turn]

LISTER
  The Luck virus... Sexual Magnetism.

RIMMER
  Positive viruses, Holly told me everything.

[RIMMER plucks the vials from LISTER's hands. He holds up the tube of blue
 liquid]

RIMMER
  Take some of this, it gives you luck -

[RIMMER drops his hand, and holds up the other vial excitedly]

RIMMER
  - and this, gives you sexual magnetism.
  I've already tried some; right now, Yvonne McGruder is sleeping off the
first twenty-three pages of the Kame Sutra.
 

[-- 14 - Int. Holding cells ----------------------------------------11:59--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

[RIMMER enters the access code into a wall panel inside the cell and steps
 outside the field]

LISTER
  So, you reneged on the deal, then? Breaking your promise? So you're a
total scum-sucking, two-faced, weaselly weasel?

RIMMER
  Ah, my entry in "Who's Who".

[RIMMER taps on the exterior panel and the field over the entrance to the
 cells lifts. With a final glance at LISTER, who holds up his middle finger
 in apparent defiance, RIMMER heads out]

[Exit RIMMER]

LISTER
  You left some of your luck behind, man. I touched the tube...

[LISTER taps a code into his security bracelet; it pops open and he pulls
 it off. He enters random numbers into the wall panel and the force field
 covering the entrance to his cell disappears. He steps out]

LISTER
  Sheer luck...

[A third sequence of numbers this time entered into the outside wall panel
 opens the exit. LISTER chortles and trots out]

[Exit LISTER]
 

[-- 15 - Int. Offices -----------------------------------------Raz--12:32--]

[CHIEF ENGINEER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER, COUNSELLOR MCLAREN, NON-SPEAKING
 EXTRA, KRYTEN, MP THORNTON present]

[The former four stand side-by-side, intimidating a wretched KRYTEN who
 stands opposite them in the small office, practically wringing his hands.
 MP THORNTON stands guard beside the mechanoid, a rifle held firmly in his
 hands]

C.ENGINEER
  You may, if you prefer, stand with the others tomorrow and face the
charges against you. However, I advise that you have your corrupted files
repaired, after which you may go free. What is your decision?

KRYTEN
  Nnnn--, nnnnn--, nnnnnnnn--, oh, its no good!

[-- 15 - Int. Offices ----------------------------------------------12:32--]
[KRYTEN whips the sidearm from MP THORNTON's hip holster. The man spins to
 face the mechanoid but instead finds himself staring down the barrel of
 his own pistol. He lowers his rifle hesitantly; KRYTEN snatches it and
 drops it behind him. The other four shuffle back a step, fearfully]

COUNSELLOR
  Okay, let's all stay calm! No need to be --  After all, Kryten is merely
holding us hostage, which is lovely! Isn't it, everyone? Lovely.

CMO
  We don't want any trouble. We'll just do what you say.

[KRYTEN jerks the pistol, gesturing THORNTON forward to join the others,
 then indicates the door leading out of the offices]

KRYTEN
  Come on, then. Come with me.
 

[-- 16 - Int. Unisex toilets ---------------------------------------13:09--]

[Enter NON-SPEAKING EXTRA, MP THORNTON, COUNSELLOR MCLAREN, CHIEF MEDICAL
 OFFICER, CHIEF ENGINEER]

[KRYTEN has brought the worried officers into the toilets; presumably just
 imagining them there isn't enough in practice. A row of stalls lines one
 wall, and opposite them a device fixed to the wall provided clean-up
 facilities. A sign on the partitioning wall next to it reads: "JMC, Please
 wash your hands before leaving"]

KRYTEN [OOS]
  Come on, inside, inside, that's it. Come on, all of you,
quick-quick-quick-quick. There we go, that's it.

[Enter KRYTEN]

KRYTEN
  Now, I want you to take down your pants, and sit on a toilet.

C.ENGINEER [to CMO]
  My god, he's mad!

CMO
  Then what're you going to do to us..?

KRYTEN
  I'm going to look at you.

C.ENGINEER [to CMO]
  He's totally mad!

CMO
  Just... do what he says...

COUNSELLOR
  Lovely...

[The officers turn and shuffle into the cubicles, MCCLAREN leading the way
 almost enthusiastically. KRYTEN views each of his hostages in turn,
 laughing gleefully]

[The NON-SPEAKING EXTRA stares beyond KRYTEN's shoulder, clearly angry.
 MP THORNTON looks rightly worried, also not meeting KRYTEN's gaze; both of
 them sit with their trousers and underpants round their ankles. As does
 COUNSELLOR MCLAREN, who carefully adjusts a suspender at the top of his
 white, lacy stockings and glances at KRYTEN indulgently. The CHIEF ENGINEER
 and CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER both sit stiffly with skirts hitched up and
 knickers down. The former woman crosses her arms and stares at KRYTEN with
 irritation, the CMO has her head turned away and her eyes covered, highly
 embarassed]

KRYTEN
  Now I want you to ask me the question again.

C.ENGINEER
  What question??

KRYTEN
  "Do I want to have my corrupted files repaired?"

CMO
  Do you want to have your corrupted files repaired?

KRYTEN
  Nnnnnn--, nnnnnnn--, nnnnnn-no. I did it. No, nnnnn-no, I don't. The
answer to the question is no. No doubt about it, I do not want to have my
corrupted files repaired. The answer is nnnnno!

[Enter SECURITY OFFICERS]

[Overjoyed, KRYTEN fails to notice the footsteps of the two secutity
 officers who charge in behind him. One raises a hypo-gun to KRYTEN's neck
 and he goes out like a light]
 

[-- 17 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------14:24--]

[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI]

[The pair poke their heads around a corner, checking for others, before
 stepping out and shuffling down the corrridor. Both of them wear peaked
 caps and red coveralls stamps with "ENGINEERING SECTION" over the right
 breast and "LIFT MAINTENENCE" over the left]
 

[-- 18 - CGI/Model shot --------------------------------------------14:30--]

[A lift moving swiftly down its shaft]
 

[-- 19 - Int. Inside the lift --------------------------------------14:32--]

[KOCHANSKI, LISTER present]

KOCHANSKI
  -- And, you just put in any code you felt like, and the Luck virus made
you pick the right one? That's brilliant!

LISTER
  Yeah, just rubbed m' finger over the top of the tube.

KOCHANSKI
  That's brilliant! That's just brilliant!

[She glances at LISTER mischievously]

KOCHANSKI [teasingly]
  Ahh, its a pity you didn't do the same with the sexual magnetism.

[LISTER considers for a moment as KOCHANSKI shifts her attention elsewhere.
 He surreptitously runs the fingertips of his left hand over his tongue.
 After a moment, KOCHANSKI lets out a small sigh and turns to regard him]

KOCHANSKI
  Is that a new shirt..?

[LISTER fusses with the black collar peeking out from under his coveralls]

LISTER
  Nah... I've had it a while.

KOCHANSKI
  Oh - it's really nice.

[LISTER grins]

LISTER
  Thanks.

KOCHANSKI
  It's really, really, nice; really suits you.

[Amazed at KOCHANSKI's sudden interest, LISTER grins so widely he can barely
 speak]

LISTER
  Thanks!

KOCHANSKI
  Brings out the...

[She waves a finger distractedly at her eyes]

KOCHANSKI
  ...brown-ness, in your eyes...

[Suddenly, unable to resist the combined effects of LISTER's augmented
 sexual magnetism and improbable good luck, KOCHANSKI grabs his lapels and
 drags him in for a kiss. Pulling off the belt of LISTER's boiler suit,
 KOCHANSKI tugs the suit off his shoulders and shoves a surprised LISTER
 against the lift wall, following inches behind to plant another passionate
 kiss on his lips. Wasting no time, KOCHANSKI drags LISTER to the ground,
 pulls off his and her own cap, and goes in for the kill. However, mere
 seconds later the kissing stops as abruptly as it started and KOCHANSKI
 recoils, horrified]

KOCHANSKI
  Oh, god, Dave! I am *so* sorry!

[She scrambles to her feet]

KOCHANSKI
         Oh! I don't know what happened there!

[LISTER gingerly eases up and sits back against the lift wall]

LISTER
  I think I do.

[He holds up a finger on his left hand]

LISTER
  I had some Sexual Magnetism virus on this hand -

[He raises his other hand]

LISTER
  - but the Luck virus cured it for me.

[LISTER scowls at the fingertips of his right hand]

LISTER
  Thanks, pal.

KOCHANSKI
  I don't know what got into me.

[LISTER drags himself to his feet, pouting, and offers KOCHANSKI her cap]

LISTER
  Well. Nothing, sadly.

[She pulls on the cap, pauses, then turns to look suspiciously at LISTER as
 he stands breathing heavily, staring ahead with a look of obvious
 disappointment]
 

[-- 20 - Int. A room in darkness -----------------------------------15:59--]

[KRYTEN present]

[KRYTEN has electrodes fixed to his head, attached to wires which extend up
 into darkness. He movements suggest he believes he is floating, as if
 suspended in water. A faint, refracted image of the CHIEF ENGINEER is
 visible, hovering over the mechanoid, as though reflected in glass]
 

[-- 21 - Int. Engineering control room -----------------------------16:05--]

[CHIEF ENGINEER present]

[The CHIEF ENGINEER stands in front of a panel of electronic equipment. In
 front of her, a large window looks out into the dark room in which KRYTEN
 is wired up to the computer system]

[CLOSE UP on video screen. A figure appears, a stereotypical boffin wearing
 a tank-top and bow-tie, with black-rimmed glasses and wild red hair. The
 figure begins narrating an interactive diagnostic utility]

DATA DOCTOR
  Hello. I'm the Data Doctor. if you would like me to examine your hard
disk, press 'Examine'.

[THE C.ENGINEER moves a pointer and selects the named option]
 

[-- 22 - CGI / live action composite -------------------------------16:17--]

DATA DOCTOR
  Your mechanoid appears to have developed the following rogue emotions:
 
[There is a brief pause as a dynamic list is formed, then text begins to
 flow down the screen, beside the DATA DOCTOR. The figure speaks each word
 disjointedly as it appears]

DATA DOCTOR
  Affection; arrogance; envy; guilt; humour; insecurity; petulance;
possessiveness; snobbery, and love. If you wish to eradicate these
emotions from his database, press 'Fix'.

[As the option is selected, the names of various emotions appear on the
 screen over a video of clip of KRYTEN exageratingly performing them. For
 each, the text changes to read 'Fixed' and KRYTEN's face turns blank and
 emotionless. After a few emotions, the software speeds up and simply
 flashes text messages to indicate progress]

DATA DOCTOR
  All bad line blocks and corrupted personality disks have now been fixed.
 

[-- 23 - Int. Engineering control room -----------------------------16:54--]

[CHIEF ENGINEER present]

NARRATOR
  Please reboot your mechanoid.
 

[-- 24 - Int. A room in darkness -----------------------------------16:56--]

[KRYTEN present]

[A tone is heard, falling in pitch, and KRYTEN's head slumps forward]

NARRATOR [VO]
     His personality has now been restored -
 

[-- 25 - Int. Engineering control room -----------------------------16:58--]

[CHIEF ENGINEER, NARRATOR present]

[KRYTEN present, visible in his darkened room through the glass partition]

NARRATOR [VO]
        - to its factory settings.

[The C.ENGINEER presses a button on her control pad, which beeps. Out of
 shot, KRYTEN comes back online]

KRYTEN
  My name is Kryten, I am programmed to serve. Can I be of service?

C.ENGINEER
  Bring me a coffee, please, Kryten.

KRYTEN
  Certainly, ma'am.

[KRYTEN begins to mime making a cup of coffee]

C.ENGINEER
  Then you may scrub the floor.

KRYTEN
  Yes, ma'am.

[KRYTEN immediately mimes pushing a mop along the floor]

C.ENGINEER
  Are you happy --
 

[-- 26 - Int. A room in darkness -----------------------------------17:20--]

[KRYTEN present]

C.ENGINEER [VO]
  -- Kryten?

KRYTEN
  I have no understanding of human emotions, ma'am. I am programmed to
serve.

[KRYTEN smiles beatifically]
 

[-- 27 - Int. Engineering control room -----------------------------17:26--]

[CHIEF ENGINEER present]

[She smiles tightly]

C.ENGINEER
  Excellent.
 

[-- 28 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf -----------------------Raz--17:29--]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER pauses at the hatchway and pulls out the tube of Sexual Magnetism
 virus]

RIMMER
  I'm going to be 'Colin Charisma' at the Captain's table with this stuff.

[RIMMER takes a sip from the tube, then strides out into the corridor. He
 passes a group of female crewmembers standing talking]

WOMEN
  Hi...

[RIMMER acknowledges with a smile and walks on]

[Enter two FEMALE CREWMEMBERS]

WOMEN
  Hi...

[RIMMER smarms with self-satisfaction and proceeds without breaking stride]
 

[-- 29 - Int. Captain's table --------------------------------------17:50--]

[RIMMER, HOLLISTER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER, four other FEMALE OFFICERS, two
 other MALE OFFICERS present]

[No expense is spared for the Captain's Table. Drapes hang from the ceiling
 and a large viewport offers a panoramic view of space. The CAPTAIN sits
 at the head of an elongated octagonal table laid with a lavish spread and
 illuminated by small lamps that cast a soft, pleasing glow. The officers
 sit on either side of the table in four 'rows', two female officers, one
 young and pale with red hair, the other older, larger and dark-haired, sit
 opposite each other at the end closest to the CAPTAIN, then two male
 officers, two more female officers, and finally the CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER
 and RIMMER]

RIMMER
  - And if we approach light speed, I think we have to be aware we could
come across something I believe we'll experience called 'future echoes'.

[RIMMER becomes aware that every woman at the table is staring at him,
 speculatively. RIMMER shifts uncomfortably, interpreting the attention as
 suspicion]

RIMMER
  Certain pockets of... futurey things.

[The dark-haired, larger, female officer seated near the head of the table
 raises her wine glass and silently toasts RIMMER, smiling]

RIMMER
  From the future.

[The CMO, seated opposite RIMMER and looking non the worse for her earlier
 ordeal at the hands of KRYTEN, continues to stare intently at RIMMER over
 her glasses]

CMO
  How fascinating... What a fascinating man you are, Mister Rimmer...

HOLLISTER
  I think we've greatly underestimated you over the years, Arnold. Now, let
me find out where that coffee is.

CMO
  Oh no, Captain, please, allow me.

[She rises from her seat, then pauses, folding her glasses absently as she
 looks down at RIMMER]

CMO
        Perhaps, ah, you could help me, Mister Rimmer..?

RIMMER
  Why, certainly -

[Apparently seeing nothing more than a further opportunity to impress the
 congregation with his latent social skills, RIMMER stands with a smile]

RIMMER
  - and perhaps we can talk about my theory on backwards universes?

[Watching him leave, the young, red-haired officer licks her lips
 unconsciously]
 

[-- 30 - Int. Galley -----------------------------------------------18:32--]

[Enter RIMMER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER]

RIMMER
  - And, of course, in a backwards universe many things begin to make more
sense -

[The CMO has been staring at RIMMER lustily while she followed him; as soon
 as they enter the galley she grabs his shoulder, spins him to face her and
 smothers his lips with a kiss]

CMO
  Oh - my - god - you are sexy!  So very, very sexy!

[The CMO shoves RIMMER through a door into an adjoining room marked
 'Captain's Galley']

[Exit RIMMER, CMO]
 

[-- 31 - CGI/Model shot --------------------------------------------18:49--]

[A lift moving swiftly up through its shaft]
 

[-- 32 - Int. Inside the lift --------------------------------------18:52--]

[CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER present]

[LISTER and KOCHANSKI have managed to spring CAT since last we saw them.
 Somehow, they've managed to get the feline into a grey technicians
 jumpsuit, though he wears a dynamic, full-length, zebra-marked, black and
 white jacket over the top of it]

CAT
  Bravo, bud!  What now?

LISTER
  Well, we find Kryten, get to the landing bay, grab a ship and get the hell
outta town.

[The lift halts and LISTER consults a handheld device]

LISTER
  He's on this floor.
 

[-- 33 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------19:02--]

[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]

[Leading them through a corridor, LISTER monitors his scanner and, rounding
 a corner, turns to the others]

LISTER
  Here he is!

[Enter KRYTEN]

[KRYTEN is alone, teasing a feather duster across a wall. LISTER and the
 others stride up to him, and LISTER touches KRYTEN's arm to get his
 attention]

LISTER
  Kryten, come on.

[KRYTEN turns around slowly, displaying no hint of recognition]

KRYTEN
  Are you addressing me, sir? I don't believe we've had the pleasure.

[KRYTEN extends his hand to LISTER, politely]

LISTER
  What have they done to you, Kryten? You sound like Noel Coward's elocution
teacher!

[KRYTEN starts at LISTER's informal response and turns his nose up
 haughtily]

KRYTEN
  Well, if you'll forgive me, sir, I have my duties to perform. Good day.

[KRYTEN executes a precisely controlled turn and waddles off down the
 corridor]

[Exit KRYTEN]

[The others follow him along the corridor and look on after him]

KOCHANSKI
  Aw, they've fixed all his corrupted files. He mustn't have been able to
say 'no'.

[Peering around the corridor branch, KOCHANSKI spots movement]

KOCHANSKI
  Someone's coming.

[They turn around and stride back along the corridor. Two crewmen walk by
 without glancing in their direction]

LISTER
  We've got to get a better disguise.

CAT
  We've already got a disguise!

LISTER
  What's the point of a disguise if you wear it under your normal outfit,
Cat?

CAT
  A grey boiler suit? You think I'm gonna wear this on the outside?? Ha!

[Exit CAT]
 

[-- 34 - Int. Storage room -----------------------------------------19:41--]

[Enter CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER]

[The three of them step into a medical storage room, LISTER hanging back to
 keep a check on activity outside. CAT removes his jacket stroppily, and
 begins rummaging through a storage locker]]

LISTER
  Look, we're not leaving without him. I don't care what they've done to
him, he's coming with us. He's part of the posse.

[Satisfied no one has seen them, LISTER leaves the door and heads over to
 CAT]

CAT
  Hey! I got a great idea for a new disguise!

[CAT turns around, holding a mop in one hand and a pair of false teeth,
 taken from a set of shelves above the locker, in the other. He spins around
 again, hunched over the locker while LISTER and KOCHANSKI look on,
 confused]

LISTER
  What?

[CAT turns around; he now wears a black mop-head, seperated from its stick,
 on his head and has the large pair of false teeth in his mouth]

CAT
  The Dibbley family!

[CAT mimes a graceless march, then moves away from the locker, arms flapping
 wildly]

LISTER
  Yess!

[LISTER and KOCHANSKI grab mop-heads and gnashers of their own and spend a
 moment perfecting their look. They turn slowly and smile around the teeth;
 its a frightening sight...]
 

[-- 35 - Int. Captain's table --------------------------------------20:19--]

[HOLLISTER, FEMALE OFFICERS, two other MALE OFFICERS present]

[Enter RIMMER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER]

[The pair take their seats, both breathing heavily, their clothes and hair
 askew]

HOLLISTER
  Ahhh, there you are!  Any... news on the coffee?

[RIMMER stares for a moment, uncomprehending, before he remembers the
 original reason he and the CMO left the table]

RIMMER
  Drat. We forgot. I'll find out right away, sir.

[Exit RIMMER]

LARGE FEMALE OFFICER
  I'll give you a hand, Mister Rimmer...

[Exit OFFICER]
 

[-- 36 - Int. Galley -----------------------------------------------20:50--]

[RIMMER, FEMALE OFFICER present]

[Behind the closed door to the Captain's galley we see RIMMER's agonised
 face pressed up to the in-set window. The ample FEMALE OFFICER appears
 behind him, smiling joyously before dragging him out of sight]
 

[-- 37 - Int. Storage room -----------------------------------------20:54--]

[KOCHANSKI, CAT, LISTER present]

[The trio each have on their Dibbley disguises, and are wearing white lab
 coats]
 
[Enter MP THORNTON, SECOND MP]

[The SECOND MP takes up station by the door, while THORNTON steps in slowly]

THORNTON
  Sorry to interrupt... sir, but we're searching this floor for the escaped
prisoners.

CAT
  Sorry, we haven't seen them. Just me, my wife, here -

[CAT places an arm around KOCHANSKI's shoulders; she raises a hand to his
 side affectionately]

CAT
  - and my brother.

[CAT drapes his other arm around LISTER, who grins vacantly at the MP]

LISTER
  Hello!

KOCHANSKI
  Hi!

LISTER
  Hi.

[THORNTON eyes the trio suspiciously]

THORNTON
  I don't recollect seeing you guys before..?

CAT
  That's because we don't go around much looking like this.

THORNTON
  What do you guys do?

[The 'Dibbleys' glance at each other for a moment]

KOCHANSKI, CAT, LISTER
  ...Computer programmers.

[LISTER mimes tapping on a keyboard]

THORNTON
  Well, if you see anything suspicious, call security, okay?

KOCHANSKI
  Er, you bet.

[Enter KRYTEN]

[The Dwarfers' eyes widen, unsure what KRYTEN will do if he sees them]

KRYTEN
  Begging your pardon, sirs, I just need to get a mop.

[KRYTEN opens the storage locker and begins searching through it. He takes out
 one of the head-less shafts and holds it up, puzzled]

KRYTEN
  How peculiar, my mop-heads are missing.

[KRYTEN notices the mop-heads being adjusted shiftily by the three Dwarfers
 but says nothing. He peers intently at CAT]

KRYTEN
  Don't I know you, sir? Wayne... Wayne, something. Wayne Wibbley? Where do
I know you from?

CAT
  No, no, sir, you're mistaken. You're mixing me up with some other
big-teeth dork.

LISTER
  No, let him speak.
  Where do you know him from?

CAT
  Are you out of your mind?

LISTER
  Shh-shh! Where do you know him from? Think!

KRYTEN
  I feel I'm about to discover something wonderful, but, when I discover
  it, it will put someone in great danger. I feel an emotion. I feel two
  emotions; two different emotions! I feel-- I feel--

KOCHANSKI
  Ambivalence?

KRYTEN
  I can feel my files corrupting... they're... corrupting, I... oohh, ohhh -
 
[KRYTEN squeezes his eyes shut and totters unsteadily]

KRYTEN
  Oh yes, that's good! Oohh!  I'm back, and I'm bad! Obviously, within
certain sensible pre-set parameters...

HOLLY [VO]
  Attention, attention!

[At the sound of HOLLY's voice everyone glances upwards, trying to locate
 unseen speakers, as people do]

HOLLY [VO]
  Reported prisoner sighting on C-deck, reported prisoner sighting on
C-deck!

[Exit THORNTON, SECOND MP]

[LISTER raises his wrist and addresses his watchface, extremely relieved]

LISTER
  Nice one, Holl...

[LISTER notices KOCHANSKI pacing around with a frown on her face]

LISTER
  What's wrong with you?

KOCHANSKI
  Well, do you get the impression this is too easy? Like, everything's going
for us? Like they almost *want* us to escape!

[LISTER holds up his middle finger]

KOCHANSKI
  Hey, I was just thinking aloud!

LISTER
  No, no! The Luck virus, it's helping us.

[Suddenly LISTER is assailed by a violent urge to sneeze. Just in time he
 whips off his mop-head and presses it over his nose and mouth. KOCHANSKI
 looks away in disgust as LISTER attempts to rub dry whatever hideous
 material he caught before pulling the mop back on to his head with a
 grimace. LISTER points at KRYTEN]

LISTER
  Put your kit on.

[KRYTEN turns to the storage locker]
 

[-- 38 - Int. Captain's table ---------------------------------Raz--23:05--]

[HOLLISTER, CMO, three other FEMALE OFFICERS, two other MALE OFFICERS
 present]

[It appears that not much dining has occured since we were last at the
 table, but rather something else has. Each of the female officers at the
 table, but for the red-haired girl by the CAPTAIN, appear quite
 dishevelled, and the glances amongst themselves are stony.

[Enter RIMMER, fifth FEMALE OFFICER]

[RIMMER is walking awkwardly and carrying a tray. The dark-haired female
 officer who has been seated beside him this evening sidesteps RIMMER's
 chair and seats herself, smiling with a satisfied expression, while the
 other women glare and her escort stares at her incredulously. RIMMER slumps
 into his seat, looking exhausted]

RIMMER
  Here we are! Remembered the coffee at last.

HOLLISTER [annoyed]
  What about the mints?

[The red-haired officer, now the only one remaining not to have learnt
 RIMMER's carnal knowledge, senses an opportunity and gets to her feet]

FEMALE OFFICER
  I'll go. Would you like to help me, Mister Rimmer..?

[RIMMER raises his head with an effort and shakes it, looking at the woman
 apologetically]

RIMMER
  It's just, I've got so much coffee, I don't think I could manage to get
any mints until tomorrow...

[Upset, the woman stomps away]

[Exit FEMALE OFFICER]

HOLLISTER
  Well, the psychotropic testing should be well underway by now. Those
results sure are going to be interesting.

RIMMER
  Psychotropic what?

HOLLISTER
  The Lister case is so unusual I decided to invoke my right to use
psychotropic evidence. The accused are drugged, wired to a mainframe, then
the computer feeds in various hypothetical scenarios and their reactions are
laid down on tape.
  Right now, they believe they're escaping, but we just want to observe what
they do...

RIMMER
  So, that means, that if anyone happens to mention any... special
agreements... that they've entered into, then -
  Could you excuse me? I think I... left the iron on...

[RIMMER stands up hurriedly and limps out, clutching his groin]

[Exit RIMMER]
 

[-- 39 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------24:31--]

[Two FEMALE CREWMEMBERS present]

[Enter RIMMER]

WOMEN
  Hi...

RIMMER
  Hi!

[Exit FEMALE CREWMEMBERS]

[RIMMER throws up his hands in disgust]

RIMMER
  What is wrong with me?? I've got the sexual appetite of a mountain lion -
no, worse, a first year nursing student!
  It's just being wanted, it's such an aphrodisiac. Got to get some
control back!
 

[-- 40 - Int. Medical office ---------------------------------------24:44--]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER picks up a hypodermic filled with local anaesthetic, confirms the
 contents, then empties the contents into his nether-regions. He jiggles his
 hips for a moment until the effects start to kick in, then picks up a
 reflex-testing mallet and thumps his groin solidly three times. Observing
 no detectable sensation, he nods to himself, returns the hammer and leaves]
 

[-- 41 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------25:27--]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER begins to lose feeling in his legs, they appear to turn rubbery and
 RIMMER begins to have trouble walking. He blunders awkwardly along the
 corridor]

[Enter three FEMALE CREWMEMBERS]

RIMMER
  Hi.

FEMALE CREWMEMBERS
  Hi...

[Enter CAPTAIN HOLLISTER]

[The CAPTAIN observes RIMMER greeting the women, and leans against the
 wall as RIMMER draws near]

HOLLISTER
  Never realised you were so damn popular with the ladies... Maybe you can
share your secret sometime?

RIMMER
  Yes, sir.

[RIMMER pushes off from the wall, legs flapping uncontrollably, and makes
 his way unsteadily down the corridor]

[Exit RIMMER]

[HOLLISTER watches him go, a look of puzzled concern on his face]
 

[-- 42 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------25:54--]

[Enter KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER]

[The four now all wear their Dibbley disguises: black mop-heads, false teeth
 giving a massive overbite, and long, white lab coats. They step into the
 corridor from an adjoining passage, in close formation and with their steps
 in perfect sync. All have their hands in the front pockets of their lab
 coats, and they turn to the camera in unison and smile before turning to
 walk, in slow-motion, down the corridor]
 

[LISTER here's bleeps and whirs behind him, turns and stops]

LISTER
  Guys, it's Bob and Max.

[Exit KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI]

LISTER
  Go on, shoo, guys, shoo, go on!

[Enter two SKUTTERS]

[The two little robots reverse down the corridor]

LISTER
  We're trying to escape, but you'll never get past security, so go on!
Go on!

[The SKUTTERS turn down the side corridor and disappear]

[Exit SKUTTERS]

[Exit LISTER]

[Enter SKUTTERS]

[The SKUTTERS return moments later wearing miniature mop-heads and clutching
 false teeth in their claws. They trundle off after LISTER]
 

[-- 43 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. -------------------------------------26:34--]

 "TO BE CONTINUED..."
 

[-------------------- END OF "BACK IN THE RED, part 2" -------------26:36--]

[CAST REFERENCE]

        RIMMER                    LISTER                    CAT
     Chris Barrie              Craig Charles         Danny John-Jules

        KRYTEN                   KOCHANSKI                 HOLLY
   Robert Llewellyn      Chloe Annett           Norman Lovett
 

  CAPTAIN [HOLLISTER]       [CMO] KAREN NEWTON       [CHIEF ENGINEER]
      Mac McDonald             Kika Mirylees          Jemma Churchill

  [COUNSELLOR] MCCLAREN    [LARGE] WOMAN OFFICER        MP THORNTON
       Andy Taylor              Sue Kelvin          Karl Glenn Stimpson

[RED-HAIRED] WOMAN OFFICER         MEDIC
    Genevieve Swallow         Geoffrey Beevers
 

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor;
 no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms
 and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk"  Thanks.]