Cassandra - Script v1.0
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{MATRIX CITY}

 {RED DWARF Clearing House}

Raz, Datalink-Karma, 1996-99

Cassandra
New @ 31Mar99

You don't need to be able to predict the future to know it's the Cassandra script!

This is version 1.0 of the script, and is complete, barring corrections. Enjoy!

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor, no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at the usual addy. Thanks.]

Raz, DTLK, 1996-99 31Mar99
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 4 -- CASSANDRA [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 1.0 16 - 31 March, 1999 Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk [-- 1 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:00--] [Red Dwarf cruises through Deep Space] [-- 2 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:06--] [Inside the Tank. Slow zoom towards a huge, segmented, cylindrical tower that houses blocks of cells] [-- 3 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------0:10--] [Enter LISTER] [Checking behind him for the presence of guards, LISTER calls up HOLLY's image on the cell's viewscreen then sits down at the cell's table] [Enter HOLLY] LISTER Have you figured a way to get us out of here yet, Holl? HOLLY I have, actually, Dave. I've devoted all my runtime to looking for a loophole in the prison regs, and I think I've come up with something that means that you can serve your entire two year sentence in just fourteen weeks. LISTER Oh brilliant, what've I got to do? [-- 4 - Viewscreen --------------------------------------------------0:31--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY Become a dog. [-- 5 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------0:33--] [LISTER present] LISTER A dog? [-- 6 - Viewscreen --------------------------------------------------0:40--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY According to my data banks, dog years are seven times shorter than human years. [-- 7 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------0:45--] [LISTER present] [LISTER listens with admirable patience] [-- 8 - Viewscreen --------------------------------------------------0:46--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY As a plan you can't fault it on it's mathematics. [-- 9 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------0:49--] [LISTER present] LISTER No, but maybe you can fault it on the fact that I'm not a dog! [-- 10 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------0:52--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY Yeah, but according to a twentieth century newspaper called the National Enquirer, the operation's quite straightforward. [-- 11 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------0:59--] [LISTER present] [LISTER can't help but listen as HOLLY rambles on] [-- 12 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------1:01--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY A 'Roverostomy' they call it. [-- 13 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------1:04--] [LISTER present] [His head resting in one hand now, LISTER shakes his head sadly] [-- 14 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------1:05--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY There's a photograph here of a bloke who had it done. [-- 15 - Still photograph -------------------------------------------1:09--] [A magazine page appears. On it is a full page picture of a large, white dog, and across the top of the page is a huge banner that reads "Exclusive". In smaller text towards the bottom of the page is the lead-in: "Man Becomes Dog", and the line: "Fetching pictures and full story on page 8" is under that] [-- 16 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------1:12--] [LISTER present] LISTER That's a dog! [-- 17 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------1:14--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY See how convincing it is? Even you're fooled! [-- 18 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------1:19--] [LISTER present] LISTER "Become a dog"? That is, without doubt, the stupidest, crappyest, most pathetic plan you've come up with all week. [-- 19 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------1:25--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY Give me a chance - it's only Monday. [-- 20 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------1:29--] [LISTER present] [LISTER presses his watch stud in exasperation and HOLLY's image dissolves] [Exit HOLLY] [Enter RIMMER] [RIMMER drops a hardhat on his bunk and stands with his hands on his hips, morosely] RIMMER What happened to my life? Career, prospects, friends, I had everything and I threw it all away. It's a tragedy. LISTER What are you on about? You had none of that stuff. RIMMER You're right, I had none of that stuff. I had absolutely nothing and I threw it all away. It's an even bigger tragedy! LISTER Look, we're only gonna get through this by being positive, by being... what's that word women tennis players always used to reckon was so important..? Begins with 'C'... RIMMER 'Cunnilingus'? LISTER 'Centred'. By being centred. Focussed. It's only two years; what, with good behaviour it'll probably only be eighteen months. Remember when you were first born, then you were eighteen months? The time just flashed past! RIMMER It flashed past because you had two breasts big as your head at your beck and call day and night! Give me that now and I wouldn't be whinging. [Enter GUARD] [The GUARD is carrying a metal briefcase, which he places on the table in front of LISTER] LISTER What's this? GUARD Canary outfits and first meeting information. [Exit GUARD] LISTER I volunteered for the Canaries. [LISTER picks up the case and carries it to his bunk where he begins unpacking its contents] LISTER Some bloke came round the machine shop so I signed up. RIMMER The Canaries? LISTER Yeah, y'know, a bit of close-part harmony, and you should see the list of privileges you get; unbelievable. RIMMER You don't know what the Canaries are, do you? LISTER Of course I do: a singing group, acappella... /You are the sunshine of my life, ooo-ooh, that's why I'll always be around/ [LISTER catches RIMMER's amused expression and begins to realise the implications] LISTER They're nothing to do with singing, are they? [RIMMER shakes his head, solemly] LISTER Holly lied to me, didn't he? [RIMMER nods] LISTER Oh hey, he was taking the smeg. RIMMER Oh Listy! Listy, Listy, Listy! LISTER Well go on then, what've I signed up for? RIMMER In the nineteenth century, when miners went down a pit, they'd lower a canary down first in a little cage - LISTER What, and make them do some mining? They were sick in the nineteenth century, weren't they, eh? I mean, how much coal can a little canary get? RIMMER - And if the atmosphere was noxious, as it frequently was, guess what the canary did. LISTER Complained to the foreman? RIMMER It died, Listy. The canary's job was to go into the most dangerous, unpleasant and smeggy situations and see if it could stay alive. Then they'd know if it was safe to send in the important people. LISTER Oh, I'm gonna kill him! RIMMER How come you've never heard of the Canaries? They've got recruitment posters all over the men's bogs! How come you've not seen them? LISTER When I'm in the men's toilets in prison, Rimmer, I tend not to look around, y'know what I'm saying? It's like playing golf: I concentrate on my grip, keep my eye on the ball and try not to veer off to the side! RIMMER "The Canaries"... You know what they say it's supposed to stand for? "Convicts Army Nearly All Retarded In-bred Evil Sheep shaggers"! They haven't got an X chromosome to share between them! LISTER Smeg! It gets worse as well. [RIMMER laughs, loving LISTER's predicament] RIMMER Worse! Go on. LISTER I've signed you up, too. [RIMMER's grin crumbles, landing in two piles of shock and outrage] LISTER I forged your signature, I thought I was doing you a favour. RIMMER Me! Why?! LISTER I've signed us all up. Kryten, Kris, everyone! RIMMER No way! No way! No way am I becoming a Canary! [-- 21 - Int. Chamber ------------------------------------------Raz--5:15--] [GOVENOR ACKERMAN, WARDEN KNOT, the Canaries, CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present] [The GOVENOR and the CAPTAIN stand together on a balcony overlooking the Canaries. All of the Canaries are dressed in their regulation outfits: dark heavy-duty combat suit, heavy boots and gloves, with a close-fitting bright yellow bib and padded yellow jacket that has the individual's name. KRYTEN has obviously been allowed concessions due to his unwieldy bodyshell, and simply wears the personalised jacket. RIMMER has taken the new uniform to heart and wears a thick, grey quilted coat over his jacket, which has a large Canaries patch emblazoned on the left breast] GOVENOR It's a great honour for floor thirteen, for today we are visited by Captain Hollister, who has a special assignment. KILL CRAZY At last, some action! I've been going mental all this time, cooped up, not killing nothing. Yes! WARDEN KNOT Kill Crazy, shut up, you punk! HOLLISTER Okay, listen up. We've located a ship, the SSS Silverburg, buried at the bottom of an ocean moon. A remote probe has come back with no signs of a crew, no bodily remains, no skeletons, zip. We want you guys to go on board and, ah, find out why. [Suddenly RIMMER steps out of line and turns back to face the Dwarfers] RIMMER A-one, a-two, a-one-two-three-four: KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT /You are the sunshine of my life, ooo-ooh, that's why I'll always be around/ - HOLLISTER Rimmer! [GOVENOR ACKERMAN scrambles down a metal staircase connecting the balcony and the floor of the chamber] RIMMER Sorry, sir, we seem to have wandered into the wrong hobby group, we'll leave immediately. [RIMMER hisses urgently to the others:] RIMMER Go! [ACKERMAN catches RIMMER, stopping him and the Dwarfers in their tracks. He leans in close to RIMMER and hisses menacingly] GOVENOR Rimmer! You're here, and this is where you'll stay, now get on with it. RIMMER Yes, sir, thank you, sir. [ACKERMAN hurries back up the staircase and smiles apologetically at CAPTAIN HOLLISTER] RIMMER You heard what the warden said, he wants us to get on with it. From the top! KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT /You are the sunshine of my life/ - HOLLISTER Rimmer! [ACKERMAN quails under the CAPTAIN's obvious disapproval and bounds down to RIMMER once again] RIMMER Sorry, sir, when you said get on with it I thought you meant - GOVENOR Shut up! You're a Canary, man! A member of the toughest convict army this side of Pluto. I've seen custard factories that aren't as yellow as you are! Start behaving like a man. RIMMER A man, sir, yes, of course, sir, a man... a man. Perhaps if you could remind me, sir, it will all come back? [WARDEN KNOT leans in from off screen, and appears to reach out and grab something in front of RIMMER, just off the bottom of shot. Judging from RIMMER's agonised wince, and KNOT's intense frown and the cracking of his joints, something extremely sensitive is being gripped extremely hard. After several awkward moments, KNOT lets go, RIMMER hobbles delicately back into line and ACKERMAN scurries back up to the balcony] GOVENOR Continue, Captain. HOLLISTER It's inconceivable a ship like this could be sent out without a crew, so whatever devoured the crew, bones and all, might still be there, so... be careful. [The Canaries turn and begin shuffling out] KILL CRAZY Let's go kill something!! *YESSSSS*!! [A few of the Canaries spare KILL CRAZY a glance as he shrieks his approval before continuing on their way. Staring eagerly up at the CAPTAIN and the GOVENOR, it takes a few moments before KILL CRAZY realises he has been left behind. Deflated, he heads off after his fellow Canaries] [-- 22 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------7:32--] [A small sub descends through murky waters, triple floodlights doing little to light its progress] [-- 23 - Int. Submarine ---------------------------------------------7:39--] [Canaries present] [All the Canaries are sat quietly, kitted out now with rifles and a backup pistol. All seem absorbed in their own thoughts; all except KILL CRAZY, that is, who is fairly bouncing on his seat in hyped-up anticipation] KILL CRAZY I hope its got, like, big teeth and claws and, like, loads of heads. Yeah! *Great*! [The others pay him little attention, much less return any enthusiasm, but KILL CRAZY ignores them] [-- 24 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------7:50--] [The submarine draws up beside a large wall of metal, turns about and docks against an airlock] [-- 25 - Int. Airlock aboard the Silverburg -------------------------7:59--] [The airlock is silent and empty, until a loud screeching of rusted metal peals out as the Canaries break the airlock seal and swing open the thick door] [Enter KILL CRAZY] KILL CRAZY Here we go! At last! *Yeah*!!! [Caught in the moment, KILL CRAZY charges forward aproximately half a metre before smacking his head soundly off the top of the airlock frame. He goes down bonelessy without a sound, and the other Canaries step over him, somewhat more cautiously] [-- 26 - Int. Silverberg Obs deck -----------------------------------8:13--] [Enter LISTER, RIMMER, KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, other Canaries] LISTER Okay, stay together, keep 'em peeled. RIMMER What's that! [RIMMER points fearfully out of shot] KRYTEN What? Where? RIMMER It's moving, shaking from side to side like a leaf! KRYTEN I think that's your shadow, sir. [-- 27 - Int. Staircase aboard the Silverburg -----------------------8:30--] [The search has obviously proved fruitless so far; the Dwarfers have moved to another part of the ship. A figure comes running down a metal staircase] [Enter KOCHANSKI] KOCHANSKI Located the mainframe, maybe it can tell us something. [KOCHANSKI turns and heads back up the staircase] [-- 28 - Int. Silverburg computer room -------------------------Raz--8:35--] [COMPUTER present, a holgraphic head] [Enter KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT, RIMMER] [The Dwarfers step into a large, hi-tech room. Control panels, status lights and cables are the general decor, but the dominant feature of the room is the large pillar into which the cables that sprout from the control banks and snake across the floor all lead into. Rising from a solid base, the hexagonally cross-sectioned pillar becomes translucent, and a section from around the foot-foot high mark to about seven feet from the floor holds the hologrammatic image of a older woman's head. The head has a silvery sheen to its skin and sheer silver hair, and around the thin neck is an elaborate necklace resembling the tracks of a printed circuit board, also worked in silver. Delicate tongues of pink electro-plasma flicker around image of the head] COMPUTER Good evening, Arnold. I've been looking forward to your arrival so very much. RIMMER How do you know my name? COMPUTER My name is Cassandra. I am a computer with the ability to predict the future with an accuracy rating of 100%. Bless you. [RIMMER frowns in confusion] RIMMER 'Bless you'? What do you mean 'bless you'? [RIMMER abruptly sneezes] CASSANDRA You need a tissue; Kris has one in her left-hand pocket. She says "would you like this?"; you say "thanks". [Sure enough, KOCHANSKI is in the process of offering a handkerchief to RIMMER] KOCHANSKI Would you like this? RIMMER Thanks. [Both turn and look at the computer with suspicious surprise] CASSANDRA "Extraordinary". KRYTEN Extraordinary. CASSANDRA "The questions we can ask, it can tell us our future". [Ignoring the computer, KOCHANSKI glances towards LISTER and the others to her left] KOCHANSKI The questions we can ask, it can tell us our future. [CASSANDRA puts on an obvious accent] CASSANDRA "But how does it work? The future's not 'appened yet". [LISTER hesitates and glances around, adopting an air of defiance] LISTER ...I'm not gonna say that. CASSANDRA I never said you would. LISTER But how *does* it work? The future's not 'appened yet. CASSANDRA Although you do. LISTER Smeg. RIMMER Let's ask her a question about the future. A biggie... LISTER Okay, Cassandra, do we ever get back to Earth? Has the human race survived? CAT Do I ever find my singing tie-pin? [LISTER glances at CAT in annoyance, but in the meantime KOCHANSKI has been having second thoughts] KOCHANSKI Look, do we want to know all this stuff about the future? I mean, do we want to know, for example, how and when we die? RIMMER Kris is right. Something like that could mess your life up forever. Cassandra, I have a question. CASSANDRA I know, Arnold, because I know the rest of this conversation. Arnold So, what's the answer? CASSANDRA He chokes to death, aged one-hundred and eighty-one, trying to remove a bra with his teeth. [LISTER glances at RIMMER and CASSANDRA questioningly] LISTER What was the question? RIMMER I just asked how you died. [LISTER stares hard at RIMMER] LISTER You what? I didn't want to know that! [Suddenly he rounds on CASSANDRA] LISTER Who's bra? CAT A hundred and eighty-one? Probably your own! LISTER Come on, no. Taking a bra off with m' teeth, aged one-hundred and eighty-one. That's a hell of a sexy way to go! KRYTEN So long as the teeth are in your mouth at the time, sir. LISTER I'm really screwed up, now. I never wanted to know that; know how I die. It's completely spoiled the surprise! CASSANDRA Kryten, this is where you share your theory with your crew-mates. [KRYTEN acknowledges this] KRYTEN I have a theory, everyone. The Silverburg didn't crash, did it, Cassandra? The ship was sent here by the Space Corps. on auto-pilot to get rid of you; to abandon you at the bottom of a lunar sea, in the depths of Deep Space. CAT That's brilliant, bud! How'd you work that out? KRYTEN I read it on this mission directive, here. [KRYTEN holds up the paper in question, and passes it to LISTER, who skims through it] LISTER So, there was no dead bodies on board because the ship didn't have a crew. KRYTEN A computer that unerringly predicts the future - CASSANDRA - "Is a dangerous thing indeed"... [KRYTEN's smug expression curdles] KRYTEN Is a dangerous... er, yes, precisely. RIMMER We, um, should be making tracks. [RIMMER points apologetically towards the exit and turns to leave] CASSANDRA I'm afraid that that's not going to happen. The bulkhead's just given away and we're shipping water at a thousand gallons a second. All the Canaries will be dead within one hour, except for Rimmer - RIMMER Yes! [RIMMER punches the air in jubilation] CASSANDRA - Who will be dead in 20 minutes. [RIMMER's joy evaporates and he works his mouth ineffectually. CASSANDRA smiles, somewhat mischievously] CASSANDRA Only Lister, Kryten, the Cat and Kochanski survive. LISTER What happens to Rimmer? CASSANDRA He has a heart attack, brought on by the stress of knowing he's going to die, and collapses; collapses during a conversation with me in nineteen minutes and thirty-one seconds. RIMMER I don't believe you, I simply don't believe you. CASSANDRA We shall see, or rather, you shall see; I have already seen... KOCHANSKI All the hairs on the back of my neck are standing on end! CAT Mine too, but not just the ones on the back of my neck; it's one up, all up! [Exit CAT] [CAT heads out hurriedly, and the others move to follow] [-- 29 - Int. A deserted supply room aboard the Silverburg ---------12:24--] [LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, RIMMER, CAT present] [The Dwarfers have called a 'time-out', away from the other Canaries and their Warden overseers, to rest their legs, have a coffee, and take stock of their situation. His initial romance with the Canaries now over, RIMMER has abandoned his emblazoned coat and sits with the other Dwarfers in the regular uniform. His stencilled name on his jacket is printed in a larger typeface than that of his fellows; perhaps RIMMER put himself forward as their team leader, or some similar temporary position. While KRYTEN checks over their equipment, the others sit by a line of storage crates that they have arranged into a long table, sipping from their mugs] LISTER Well, it's not the first time we've been in a situation like this, is it? CAT Hell no, we've drunk coffee thousands of times. We're veterans. LISTER Future echoes, remember? CAT Future echoes, oh right! KOCHANSKI What was that? LISTER Well, we learnt that if the future's already decided... [LISTER glances quickly at RIMMER, sat beside him staring into the depths of his coffee, and lowers his voice] LISTER - you can't change it... [RIMMER glances up at him] RIMMER Yeah, but what do you know? Your a chicken soup machine repairman, not Hank Handsome, Space Adventurer. Don't get ideas above your station, and your station is Git Central. LISTER Hey, I've been surviving in space five - six years. When it comes to weirdy, paradoxy space stuff, I've bought the t-shirt. KRYTEN He bought it and I ironed it for him. LISTER Exactly. RIMMER So, you're saying the future's the future and, like your underpants, the chances of change are remote? Well, I'm sorry, I don't accept it. LISTER Hey, I'm not happy about it, man. CAT None of us are. You dying is the last think we want, especially me. Hell, I'd probably have to help dig the hole. RIMMER Right, so to summarise: six years of space adventuring, six years of experience and knowledge, has led you to the conclusion that I'm totally stuffed? KRYTEN Mister Rimmer has a point, sir. Your greater knowledge is making you pessimistic, while his ignorance and almost doe-like naivety is keeping his mind receptive to a possible solution. LISTER Shut your stupid, flat head, you. [KRYTEN shrinks under LISTER's admonition, but KOCHANSKI has picked up on something, and sounds intrigued] KOCHANSKI So, you're saying, when you don't know enough... to *know* that you don't know enough, there's no fear holding you back? You can achieve things which people with more brains can't? KRYTEN Precisely. [KOCHANSKI smirks in RIMMER's direction] KOCHANSKI He's got the 'power of ignorance'... KRYTEN And with ignorance that he's got, that makes him one of the most powerful men that's ever lived! Harness your stupidity, sir; employ your witlessness, use your empty-headed, simplistic moron-mind and find a solution. [RIMMER's face hardens defiantly] RIMMER Okay! I've got an idea. Kryten, replay out meeting with Cassandra in your CPU and tell me if, at any point, anyone ever called me 'Rimmer'. LISTER What? [KRYTEN dutifully scans through his records, his head twitching as his emotion software tries to reproduce the feelings of the accelerated moments. The playback ends and KRYTEN adresses RIMMER] KRYTEN At no point throughout the meeting did anyone refer to you as 'Rimmer'. In fact, we barely looked you. RIMMER That's just what I thought! Cassandra said "Rimmer dies", but it doesn't necessarily follow that that means me! LISTER Who does it mean then, your dad? RIMMER Look, Cassandra doesn't know the future, she sees pictures of it. She could have seen some other guy die of a heart attack; someone she's been told is *called* Rimmer. KOCHANSKI He's right. RIMMER All I have to do is find someone I can introduce to Cassandra as 'Rimmer'... [RIMMER glances down and suddenly notices the large name badge on the front of his jacket. He smiles eagerly] RIMMER - and it'll be them that stiffs out and not me! KRYTEN Such lowlife conniving; its impossible not to be impressed! What I wouldn't give to have your weasel gene, sir! [RIMMER beams intently at CAT] CAT Now wait a minute! [Enter WARDEN KNOT] [KRYTEN notcices the burly man's approach and speaks in exaggerated tones] KRYTEN Oh look, here's Mister Knot... [RIMMER looks sharply at the big man, silently mouthing "Yes..."] KNOT You made this area secure? RIMMER Yes, sir, Mister Knot, sir. Coffee, sir? [RIMMER fairly leaps out of his seat, and begins pouring a cup from the flask in front of him] KNOT I've been asked by the Captain to inspect the mainframe, where is it? [RIMMER, in passing a cup of coffee to KNOT, feigns a trip and throws it over the man's jacket. KNOT grabs RIMMER's lapels angrily] KNOT You idiot! What the hell do you think you're doing? RIMMER Please, have my jacket, I insist! Then I shall lead you to Cassandra. [Taking KNOT's damp jacket away, RIMMER holds out his own and helps the WARDEN shrug awkwardly into it, a task not made easy by the obvious size difference between the two of them] RIMMER There we are, sir, a perfect fit, sir. [KNOT scowls at RIMMER, but keeps the jacket anyway] KNOT Lead the way, Rimmer. RIMMER Don't call me 'Rimmer'! KNOT That's your name... RIMMER Yes, but 'Rimmer' - it's so full of nobility and quiet courage; call me 'arsewipe' or 'fishbreath', but not 'Rimmer', sir, never 'Rimmer', sir. KNOT Okay, arsewipe, whatever you say. Now where's the mainframe! [-- 30 - Int. Silverburg computer room ------------------------Raz--16:14--] [Enter RIMMER, WARDEN KNOT] [Leading the Warden, RIMMER now wears KNOT's grey jacket over his Canary bib and a hopeful, nervous smile on his face] CASSANDRA Hello Arnold, bang on time. RIMMER I've brought you a visitor, Cassandra. Do you know his name? CASSANDRA Yes, I do. Not - [Shock registers on RIMMER's face] RIMMER What? CASSANDRA Not - RIMMER 'Knot'?? CASSANDRA Let me finish! Not that it matters what his name is, I mean, our relationship doesn't last very long. [RIMMER calms himself, visibly trying to relax] KNOT I understand you have the ability to predict - CASSANDRA - the future, yes, I do. KNOT A hundred percent reli - CASSANDRA - able, yes. KNOT What happens to me; do I get back to Earth? CASSANDRA No, you die in about four seconds' time of a heart attack after hearing the news that you're going to die of a heart attack. KNOT You filthy ly -- Ack! [KNOT clutches a hand to his chest and stares at RIMMER and shock. RIMMER watches nonchalantly as KNOT sinks to the floor and sprawls on his back. CASSANDRA peers down at him sympathetically] CASSANDRA Poor Rimmer. RIMMER Yes, poor old 'Rimmer'. [KNOT raises a hand weakly] KNOT My name is not - [Quick to obfuscate the man's inconvenient last words, RIMMER leans down as if to listen intently] RIMMER Your name is not *what*? KNOT Knot! Not... Knot..! [The man's lead lolls back slackly. RIMMER looks to CASSANDRA impatiently] RIMMER Is he dead now? CASSANDRA I'm afraid so. RIMMER Yes! [Enormously pleased, RIMMER holds up both fists triumphantly] CASSANDRA He died of a massive coronary, just as I prophesied. RIMMER Yes! [RIMMER punches the air again] CASSANDRA You seem inordinately happy, Arnold, but why? You're going to die too. [Once again RIMMER's smile is mercilessly killed] RIMMER But you said - I just... I'm gonna die too? CASSANDRA I already told you: Rimmer dies of a heart attack, and then you and all the other Canaries die too; all except Lister, Kryten, Kochanski and the Cat. I've seen it. RIMMER That's as well as maybe, but have you seen this? [RIMMER flips his middle finger to CASSANDRA, then turns and storms out] [Exit RIMMER] CASSANDRA Yes... I'm afraid I have... [-- 31 - Int. Silverburg loading tube-------------------------------17:50--] [KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT, RIMMER present] [The Dwarfers walk solemnly along the flat bottomed but otherwise cylindrical corridor, illuminate by stark, irregularly spaced lamps postioned along the top of the tube, and rows of lanterns strung just above head-height along both side walls] RIMMER You were right, there's nothing I can do. KRYTEN According to Cassandra, our future is decided and we four survive. Therefore, while we're here, we cannot die. Regard: [The Dwarfer pause in the corridor to attend KRYTEN. The mechanoid draws his sidearm, places the barrel to his temple and pulls the trigger. The chamber clicks empty. He points to and fires at KOCHANSKI, LISTER and CAT in turn, and each time the chambers are empty. He levels the gun at RIMMER's head] KRYTEN Duck sir! [KRYTEN fires, and a bullet richochet's off the wall behind RIMMER. The bullet pings its way up and down the metal corridar in which they stand, its noise first growing quieter, then steadily louder] KRYTEN Duck again, sir! [RIMMER does so, just in time for the bullet to finally shatter against the wall behind him] KRYTEN Just as i thought. [KRYTEN deftly spins the pistol around his finger and drops it back into his holster. CAT So, in other words, if I... [CAT gingerly plucks a large fire axe from the wall, and cracks LISTER sharply across the back of the head with its long wooden handle. The others flinch away in sympathy and LISTER clutches the back of head, rounding on CAT, who grins unconcernedly] LISTER What was that for!? CAT You can't die! LISTER Yeah, but I can still feel pain, you smegger! CAT Oh, yeah... KRYTEN So how about this: we use our 'powers of invulnerability', which will last until we return to Red Dwarf, and surround Mister Rimmer, escort him up to the Obs. deck, and into the diving bell? [-- 32 - Int. Silverburg cargo deck --------------------------------18:43--] [The safety concertina'd door covering an elevator car folds back] [Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER] [The former four are arranged in a tight, four-point huddle around RIMMER his is sandwiched between them and crouched over, out of sight. As the Dwarfers begin to shuffle warily along the deck, RIMMER's head pops out to scan their surroundings, before CAT pushes him back down out of harm's way] [-- 33 - Int. Silverburg engine room -------------------------------18:56--] [Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER] [Shuffling along a gangway between the huge ranks of machinery, RIMMER again pops up from inside his protective screen, but disappears back down just as sharply] [-- 34 - Int. Airlock aboard the Silverburg ------------------------19:04--] [Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI] LISTER The diving bell! We've made it! [Breaking their huddle, it comes as some surprise to the Dwarfers to find that the 'safety cell' they have been preserving is now empty. RIMMER has disappeared] KOCHANSKI Where did he go?? [The Dwarfers dash back the way they came] [-- 35 - Int. Silverburg engine room -------------------------------19:13--] [Re-tracing their steps through the engine blocks, LISTER happens across a hatch in the floor, through which RIMMER can be seen on the floor below, nursing a sprained ankle] LISTER Yo! [Hearing the commotion above, RIMMER stares up anxiously] [-- 36 - Int. Silverburg lower engine deck -------------------------19:22--] [Enter KOCHANSKI] [Clutching a rope tied securely around her, KOCHANSKI descends gingerly through the hatch into the room below] [-- 37 - Int. Silverburg engine room -------------------------------19:28--] [KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER present] [The three of them stand in line, holding the other end of KOCHANSKI's rope, LISTER glancing down the hatch to keep an eye on her progress. Suddenly, CAT pricks his ears, and glances sharply at KRYTEN and LISTER] CAT Hear that? [KRYTEN adds power to his adio receivers, immediately detecting:] KRYTEN Water... [LISTER suddenly realises the implications] LISTER Kris, take cover, the water's coming! CAT Quick , the diving bell! [-- 38 - Int. Silverburg lower engine deck -------------------------19:39--] [KOCHANSKI, RIMMER present] [The pair hurriedly climb to the top of a large airlock bell that serves as a watersealed access point to the ship's lower decks. Swinging open the large access cover at the top, RIMMER and KOCHANSKI scramble inside, and KOCHANSKI barely gets the seal shut again before thousands of gallons of water come thunding down into the engine deck] [-- 39 - Int. Silverburg cargo deck --------------------------------19:51--] [RIMMER, KOCHANSKI present] [KOCHANSKI descends the last few steps of the ladder that runs from the top of the airlock bell down to the cargo deck, where RIMMER stands tensely, resting against a pilar. KOCHANSKI whirls away from the ladder angrily] KOCHANSKI Great, everything's above us is flooded, and now we're back down in the bowels again with Cassandra! RIMMER It's coming true. [KOCHANSKI looks at him levelly] RIMMER My death! It's all coming true. [RIMMER storms away with a darkly intent expression] [Exit RIMMER] [KOCHANSKI stares hard at his back and shakes her head with irritation. After a moment she stalks off on her own] [-- 40 - Int. Silverburg computer room -----------------------------20:09--] [CASSANDRA present] [Enter RIMMER] [CASSANDRA smiles, almost apologetically, as she sees RIMMER step in slowly] CASSANDRA You tried to cheat the future and failed, as I knew you would. RIMMER So what happens now? How... How do I die? CASSANDRA Lister catches you making love to Kochanski and shoots you through the head with a harpoon gun. [RIMMER stares at CASSANDRA incredulously] RIMMER Can you just double-check that? CASSANDRA I've seen it, it's what happens. In the old laundry room. RIMMER So let me just repeat what I think you're saying... Arnold, that's *me*, and Kochanski, that's *the woman* - the really attractive one you saw earlier; me and her were in bed, giving it rizz, when Lister, that's the short, dumpy one with the stupid haircut, walks in and shoots me through the head while I'm making love with Kochanski? CASSANDRA That is what is going to happen. [RIMMER grins exultantly, amms held up in celebration] RIMMER Fantastic!! [-- 41 - Int. Silverburg laundry room ------------------------------21:15--] [RIMMER, KOCHANSKI present] [RIMMER is on hands and knees, bouncing on a old mattress that he has arranged on the floor in an attempt to flatten out the worst of its lumps. KOCHANSKI stands against a wall as far away as possible, staring away and pressing a hand to her chest faintly] KOCHANSKI I can't believe what you're telling me..! RIMMER I can scarcely believe it myself. I mean, obviously, you're incredibly attractive; I never thought you'd look at me twice! KOCHANSKI Neither did I! RIMMER But, apparently, were gonna make love. Unbe-smegging-lieviable or what? It's not warm in here, fancy a wee nip? KOCHANSKI No, no, no, no. [RIMMER heads over to his flask anyway, and pours himself a small glass] KOCHANSKI But, why would I want to sleep with *you*? I mean, it doesn't make any sense. RIMMER Maybe you get blind drunk? KOCHANSKI Well that doesn't excuse my other four senses! RIMMER Right, barely an hour to go, shall we get started? I mean, let's face it, you can't change the future. Sadly. [KOCHANSKI remembers something, and points at RIMMER hopefully] KOCHANSKI But, you said, you *could*... RIMMER Yeah, I've changed my mind now. [RIMMER fiddles with a pipe and tap on the wall, intending to top up his drink] KOCHANSKI Look, are you sure you wouldn't like to play the opera game, instead? RIMMER Kris, it's what Cassandra saw. You can't cheat fate. KOCHANSKI Well, you just watch me, because there's no way on earth that I'm climbing out of my clothes, and clambering into that bed. [As RIMMER finally turns on his tap, the other end of the ancient pipe, which KOCHANSKI is standing next to, suddenly ruptures, spraying torrents of water and drenching her from head to toe. RIMMER fumbles with the tap and manages to stop the flood. KOCHANSKI glares at RIMMER] KOCHANSKI My clothes are soaking! RIMMER Why don't you take them off, and dry them on the heater? [KOCHANSKI snatches a blanket from a shelf beside her, sloshes over to RIMMER and grabs the drink from his hand] KOCHANSKI It's coming true, it's all coming true... RIMMER It's coming true, it's all coming true! [KOCHANKSI takes a belt from the glass, and shakes her head in some surprise] [-- 42 - Model/CGI shot --------------------------------------------23:04--] [The Canaries' little submarine powers through the black water] [-- 43 - Int. Submarine --------------------------------------------23:11--] [KILL CRAZY, LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN present] [KILL CRAZY lies on his back, barely conscious, across the bench seats, a vicious arc of a cut prominent across a good part of his forehead] KILL CRAZY Uurrrhhhhhhh [CAT and KRYTEN spare the downed Canary a glance as LISTER makes preparations for leaving] CAT Bud, you can't go back there! LISTER Cassandra said Kris survives, and the only way that's gonna happen is if someone goes back in and saves her. [LISTER points at an area of the wall behind CAT and KRYTEN] LISTER Chuck'us the harpoon gun, will you. [CAT passes the weapon over, and LISTER carefully removes the safety cover from the tip of the spear] [-- 44 - Int. Silverburg laundry room -------------------------Raz--23:33--] [RIMMER, KOCHANSKI present] [RIMMER, now dressed only in his t-shirt, boxers and socks, bops happily in front of the hastily constructed bed, singing to himself wordlessly, and with an equal amount of tunefulness. KOCHANSKI is already in bed, naked but hiding inside a tightly wrapped blanket. RIMMER mooches closer to the bed and throws himself down beside her; KOCHANKSI flinches away] KOCHANSKI I'm not sure about this. This is the first time I've ever been seduced by predeterminism theory. RIMMER One hour exactly... [RIMMER puckers up and waggles his lips in KOCHANSKI's direction] [Enter LISTER] [Upon seeing LISTER dart in through a hatchway and level his harpoon gun, RIMMER turns away and scowls in disgust] RIMMER Oh bloody, buggering hell! Tonight must be the night they put the clocks forward! LISTER I've got it! RIMMER That's more than I did. LISTER I've worked it all out. RIMMER I never get any breaks, ever! Twenty seconds later you could've been on top and I could've used you as a human shield. KOCHANSKI I must have been mad, what the hell was I thinking? I felt sorry for you! LISTER Look, will you shut up and listen to me? [Crouching down beside the bed, LISTER picks up the glass discarded by KOCHANSKI and takes a sip] KOCHANSKI No! *Why* aren't you mad that I'm in bed with him? LISTER 'Cos i know *why* you're in bed with him. and I also know that i don't kill him KOCHANSKI Aw, but Cassandra promised... LISTER Cassandra made that up to force you two together. So that you'd feel sorry for him, and hopefully end up sleeping with him. RIMMER So why did she say she saw it happen? LISTER To try and *make* it happen. KOCHANSKI But why? LISTER To try and punish me! RIMMER Punish you? Why? LISTER 'Cos Cassandra knows, and has always known, how she dies. She's trying to make me suffer now for something that I'm destined to do in the future... RIMMER You kill her, don't you? That's why she hates you. Because she knows you're going got kill her. LISTER That's what this whole thing was about. Kryten figured it out. [RIMMER nods, his annoyance plain] RIMMER Kryten figured it out, did he? Good old Kryten. But did he really have to figure it out quite so damn fast? Would it have killed him to take thirty minutes longer? Ten minutes even? Two would have done. LISTER I'm gonna take care of the rest of it now. I'll, erm - [LISTER grins at the pair of them] LISTER - see you two lovebirds later... [Exit LISTER] [KOCHANSKI gets to her feet, keeping the blanket wrapped perfectly around her in that special way that only women can] RIMMER Look, thanks for being with me tonight. I can't think of anyone I'd rather share my final hour with than you, and I really mean that. I'm not all bad, in fact, sometimes I'm quite sweet and sensitive... [KOCHANSKI smiles gently and turns to leave] KOCHANSKI Bye. RIMMER By the way? KOCHANSKI Mm-hm? [RIMMER picks up KOCHANSKI's black knickers from the bed and dangles them in the air, grinning hugely] RIMMER Is it okay if I keep these? [-- 45 - Int. Silverburg computer room -----------------------------25:54--] [CASSANDRA present] [Enter LISTER] [LISTER sets down the glass the brought with him from the laundry room, and chomps quietly on a piece of chewing gum] LISTER If the future's all worked out - horoscopes, all that stuff - it means we're not responsible for anything we do. It means we're just actors saying lines in a script written by someone else. I don't wanna believe that. I wanna believe I'm in charge of my own life, my own destiny; so I'm not gonna kill you, Cassandra. I'm out of here. [LISTER turns to leave] CASSANDRA But you do kill me, I've seen it. LISTER Tomorrow's a new day. A fresh page in a book that's not been written yet. What happens in the future is up to me, not some 'predetermined destiny' smeg. I'll see you, kid-eh. [As LISTER turns away from CASSANDRA again, he takes out his gum and sticks it on the wall beside the hatchway before walking out. Almost immediately, the gum falls off the wall, landing on the articulated-arm of a lamp. The lamp eases slowly downwards under the fractional extra weight, coming to rest on a button. The button, in turn, supplies power to a desk fan, which spins up and begins to oscillate. The flow of air blows the gum off the lamp-arm, flicking it through the air in front of LISTER's startled face and depositing it neatly in the glass that LISTER brought with him. The gum's inertia pushes the glass off the narrow shelf on which it sat, spilling the contents over a wall panel. The liquid drips down into a socket, where a thick cable connects to the wall, and sparks begin to crackle from the connection. Sparks, accompanied by angry electrical pops, work their way along the cabling towards a bank of components, and things go from bad to worse when the whole console goes up in small explosion. CASSANDRA tilts her head and stares at LISTER in admirably subdued annoyance, before the entire column that housed her projection system detonates in spectacular fashion. LISTER surveys his handiwork with a pained expression] LISTER Smeg. Smeg... [Highly embarassed, he turns and walks carefully out] [--------------------------- END OF "CASSANDRA" --------------------27:14--] [CAST REFERENCE] RIMMER LISTER CAT Chris Barrie Craig Charles Danny John-Jules KRYTEN KOCHANSKI HOLLY Robert Llewellyn Chloe Annett Norman Lovett CASSANDRA CAPTAIN [HOLLISTER] [GOVENOR] ACKERMAN Geraldine McEwan Mac McDonald Graham McTavish KILL CRAZY WARDEN KNOT GUARD Jake Wood Shend Ian Soundy BLOOD DRINKER Joseph Crilly (Credited but unseen actor) [Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk" Thanks.]